


Where There Is Fire

by Hellas_himself



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2020-11-27 03:17:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 36,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20941400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellas_himself/pseuds/Hellas_himself
Summary: I've never written Nessian before. It feels so weird after writing nothing but Feyrhycien for the last year and Elriel sometimes. But I'm excited for this and I can't thank y'all enough for suggesting it and encouraging it. Mondays will be my expected posting date so as long as life allows. I'm not gonna leave yall in the dark for months lmao





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written Nessian before. It feels so weird after writing nothing but Feyrhycien for the last year and Elriel sometimes. But I'm excited for this and I can't thank y'all enough for suggesting it and encouraging it. Mondays will be my expected posting date so as long as life allows. I'm not gonna leave yall in the dark for months lmao

Cassian

The house was dark, but I didn’t set fire to the hearth. I didn’t bother with a candle. I’d learned the hard way what the sound of burning wood did to Nesta and I never wished to hear her cry in agony ever again. But winter was closing in on us, and in the mountains, that meant it was already here. The boiling water of the tea kettle was a welcome warmth, but I set it down on the table beside the plate of food I’d covered. I made sure the stove was off before going back to my room. There, I put on my leathers and tied up my hair.

In the hallway, I stopped myself from stopping at her door. She didn’t care what I did, how long I would be away. So I left the house without a word. Left the mountains, left Illyria altogether.

Feyre had given us keys to the house, but I rarely used mine. Only in these moments, when it was far too early for even Azriel to be awake. Once, I might have felt something like shame to come here unannounced, as though I was running from Nesta. But this was my home, too.

My room was just as I’d left it, but I knew Feyre and Elain had been here. There was a new painting on the wall and a fresh vase full of flowers on the dresser. I took off my leathers and found some pants in the bottom most drawer and climbed into bed, sighing with relief.

At some point, I was vaguely aware of my bedroom door opening. I knew that scent and mumbled something that sounded like good morning. Hours later, I woke up to a familiar weight on my back. I chuckled, reaching back to pull Feyre off me but she wouldn’t relent. I stretched my wings out which made her yelp, holding onto me a little tighter. 

“Not yet,” she said and I laughed.

“You have five minutes. Then, you suffer the consequences.”

“Don’t be a pig.”

“They roasted pig last night. And I had mead. And wine and the worst chocolate cake I’ve ever tasted in my life.”

Feyre groaned and carefully climbed off my back and settled onto the bed beside me.

“You’re home early,” she said and I knew that tone. Knew that look in her eyes.

“You’ve slept in this bed,” I teased. “Why would I deny myself?”

She laughed, swatting my arm.

“That was _one_ time.”

“Sure it was. But I expect extra dessert, else I’m telling your husbands the things you do-”

Feyre hit me in earnest this time and I laughed, pulling her in for a tight hug.

“I’m flattered,” I said and she hit me again.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” she said. “We’re meeting with Keir this morning.”

I let her go and made to get out of bed, Feyre laughing at me as she grabbed my arm.

“I gotta go. I think I left the stove on…”

Feyre let go of my arm and I stumbled back, Feyre cackling at my expense.

“I’ll remember that in training,” I said and stormed into the bathroom.

Though I’d been teasing, Feyre did make sure I had extra pastries at breakfast despite Azriel’s whining. Rhys and Lucien joined us, the pair already dressed for their meeting in the Hewn City. Rhys never failed in his ridiculous greetings whenever I was gone for some time. Last time, he’d kissed my face, loudly, and today, he leaned over and wrapped his arms around my neck. I laughed, turning to look at him.

“It’s only cute when Feyre does it,” I said and he pouted.

“You’re home early,” he said, mirroring his mate. But he didn’t share that look or tone that she’d had. I knew how he felt about Nesta, if anything- he sounded relieved. Lucien poked Rhysand’s side to get him off of me before greeting me with a pat to the shoulder. Which coming from Lucien, was a lot. Elain was giddy as she waltzed into the dining hall with a tray of freshly baked muffins that she brought directly to Az. He pulled her into his lap, bringing Elain to blush.

Feyre chugged down her tea and kissed her husbands quickly.

“I won’t take long,” she promised and hurried out of the room.

“Lucien and Feyre are going to start the meeting,” Rhys said as he poured himself and Lucien tea.

“Where will you be?” I asked, wishing I was still buried beneath all those blankets.

“Close,” Az answered.

“I’m accompanying Mor and Amren while they meet with merchants in the Rainbow,” Elain added cheerfully.

“You’ll be magnificent,” Az said softly and kissed her cheek. Elain set the tray on the table and I saw a black shadow push it closer to us.

“You’ll join us for training afterwards?” Elain asked me and I could only smile.

“Of course, El.”

“Good,” she said, wrapping her arms around Azriel’s neck. “I can’t wait to show you this trick I learned.”

*

Feyre was dressed in red, with a black cloak to protect her from the cold. Lucien sat beside her with his hand in hers, no doubt using that fire of his to keep her warm. Because it was fucking miserable here. Not even the house got this cold.

I remained standing where I was, arms crossed. Keir was doing a piss poor job of trying not to make it obvious that he was avoiding me.

“My Lady,” Keir said with a fake smile. “This was not what we agreed to.”

“Wasn’t it?” Feyre’s tone, the way she held herself reminded me of Rhys. Except… She reminded me of Nesta, too. I looked away, choosing instead to look at the others present in the room. Mor’s mother, being one of them.

“You’re the steward of this court, are you not?” Lucien asked.

“Yes, but-”

“It’s a yes or no question, Keir.”

I snorted. Lucien was a prick. This was going to be wonderful.

“Yes, My Lord.”

“Your position demands a certain respect even your High Lord and Lady honor. Should we not give that same honor to those in Velaris who expect us to respect their wishes? Without the merchants, without those who do the smallest of duties for the city- you would not have the life you live.”

The room was silent. When the door opened, I think everyone startled as Rhys strode into the room with Az.

“Good morning,” Rhys said, “How are we getting along?”

“We were just getting to an agreement, love,” Lucien said.

Rhysand sat to Lucien’s right, but not before making a great show of kissing his wife and husband as though he hadn’t seen them this morning.

“I will not be going to Velaris today, my Lord,” Keir said at last. “My wife will go in my stead, along with six others.”

Except, once Azriel and I were spotted in the room, that number became three.

“Cassian,” Feyre called and I looked her way. “Will you let Amren know we’re ready to begin.”

“Certainly, my Lady,” I said and sketched a bow before taking my leave.

By the time Amren returned from the Hewn City with our ‘guests’, that number had dropped down to two. Mor’s mother and two high born ladies whose coin purses looked far too heavy for the jeweled belts they wore. In turn, ten merchants and artists, musicians and cooks went to the Hewn City to see it for themselves with Feyre, Rhys and Lucien present.

“Mor is still speaking with some of the townspeople. Elain is enjoying herself,” Az said as we followed behind Amren- at a great distance of course.

“Training is going well,” I said as we passed by the café Mor frequented often. We stopped there first. “I can afford a day or two away.”

“Are you sure?” Az asked as we got in line.

“I _need_ the day or two away,” I grumbled, crossing my arms. Az put both hands up in surrender.

“Alright, alright.”

We ordered Mor’s favorites as well as Elain’s. We stopped once more when Az spied a gown in the window display of a shop I knew Feyre liked.

“You’re turning into Rhys,” I teased and Az smiled.

“It can’t be helped,” he said with a shrug.

“The two of you alone can carry the entire economy of Velaris and the Night Court at this rate.”

“Fuck off.”

“You could singlehandedly save Prythian from financial collapse and bring it to new glory.”

*

Az whisked Elain away, leaving Mor and I alone. We were lounging outside on the balcony that overlooked the gardens. The day wasn’t as cold as it had been in the morning, but Mor still wrapped a blanket around herself. We never truly thought or spoke about the past, but sometimes, like now, Mor would get lost in thought and she was seventeen again.

“It never ends, does it?” she asked quietly.

“Everything ends, Mor.”

She shook her head. “They always find a way to take away my peace.”

I knew better than to reason with her. I hated everything about this, but we needed this alliance and I knew Mor understood that, but I knew she didn’t need reason right now.

“And we will always find a way to take theirs.”

Mor let out a laugh.

“The deal had been seven,” I said, leaning back in my chair. “But it dropped once they saw Az and I. And again, when they learned Amren was giving them the great tour of Velaris.”

“Good.”

“Feyre wore red today,” I added. “I don’t think that was coincidence, either.”

Mor beamed at this.

“Rhys is rubbing off on Lucien,” I said and stopped when Mor giggled. “You know what I mean.”

“I think Rhys gives Lucien the courage to be who he’s always been,” she said, still fighting the urge to laugh. She cleared her throat and adjusted her blanket. When it became quiet, I knew that whatever was on Mor’s mind was something I wasn’t going to like. It was always like this with her; she seemed to take truths and give them form, make them tangible.

“I don’t like it when you’re away,” she said, looking out towards the gardens. The leaves on the ground would forever remind me of Feyre and Elain. There was nothing I wouldn’t give for every single day to be just like that. Especially where I knew this conversation was going.

“I always come back.”

“That’s not the point.”

“I know, Mor.”

She sighed and looked at me.

“Is she really worth this?” she asked.

“Yes,” I replied. No hesitation. No doubts.

*

Training with Elain gave ma reprieve from thoughts of Nesta and Morrigan. Her skill in archery was getting better every time we practiced. Elain watched me shoot arrows into the center of each target and when I was done, she began to walk. She didn’t stop to notch her arrow but kept going the second they were loosed. And after the first one, her arrows pierced through mine and the targets.

“Elain! That was incredible!”

“I’ve been watching Az do this to Rhys every time they practice archery… I wanted to try.”

I lifted her off the floor and hugged her tight.

“You’re amazing.”

Elain laughed. “I have wonderful teachers.”

I set her down on her feet. “Maybe one day you and Feyre can come train with the other females back at camp. It might get Mor to go, too.”

“Really?” She thought about it as we went about pulling arrows out of the targets. “I think that’s a lovely idea.”

Elain and I raced to the house, and I realized too late that her little display with the arrows was not her new trick. One moment I was several feet ahead of her and the next, Elain was stepping out of a shadow and running towards the back door.

*

Mor found me after dinner, sitting down beside me on the sofa. Lucien was teaching Feyre how to play some mortal game Jurian had taught him. Elain was good at it, and was helping her sister cheat.

“I’m going to Rita’s”, Mor said. That was as close to an apology as I was going to get from her today.

Azriel’s curiosity got the best of him and he joined the others on the floor as they played their game. Rhys looked ready to fall asleep, but I knew he was listening to his cousin’s attempts at placating me.

“Want to come with me?” Mor asked me. “Or do you want to be alone?”

“If I wanted to be alone, I would have stayed at the house.” It was like living with a ghost. A ghost who only spoke in insult and degradation, a ghost I listened to, even when I knew I shouldn’t.

Mor didn’t speak after that. She simply leaned into my side and I put an arm around her shoulder.

“Maybe tomorrow,” I said softly, a peace offering.

“Tomorrow,” she said, “Is for sleeping in.”

“Even better.”

“Go shopping with me after lunch.”

“Fine.”

“Buy me a dress?”

I shoved her off me as she began to laugh.

“Ask Az,” I said, adjusting my shirt. “He and Rhys are funding the complete restoration of Prythian with their spending habits.”


	2. Ch 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said this on tumblr, and I'll say it here. I identify with Feyre on every level but I also have dealt with/had to get over some of the shitty coping mechanisms that Nesta has. Writing in her POV is rough, writing in Cassian's POV is so much easier lol but then, he's a lot like Feyre.

Nesta

The sun was shining directly on my face. I tried to go back to sleep, putting a pillow over my head but then I was forced to breathe in my own scent. My hair was oily and itched so bad I’d scratched my scalp until I bled. With a groan, I pushed myself up and sat down. Everything hurt. My skin felt too tight, my bones felt as though they ground against each other every time I moved. But I had to get up, this useless body still had its needs and the cold wasn’t helping matters, either.

The walk to the bathroom was arduous. I had to walk down the dark hallway, pass his bedroom door. But I knew, as much as I hated it, that he wasn’t here. His scent was barely there, which meant he’d left hours ago. I dragged myself into the bathroom and turned the faucet of the shower to warm the water while I relieved myself. When I went to throw my clothes into the hamper, I found it empty. The thought of Cassian washing my clothing brought a furious heat to my face that had nothing to do with the steam that was filling the room. I threw the clothes in the hamper and stepped into the shower, steeling myself for that moment of absolute dread. But it never came, and it never stopped surprising me that I could do this.

This was the reason why I stomached staying here. It meant Cassian would never have to drag me out of the bathtub again. I hated to think of it, to remember the soft way in which he spoke to me. The tender way in which he held me, so at odds with the brute he made himself out to be. I hated the look in his eyes but more than that, I hated how much I had felt in that moment. How much I craved the affection he gave.

It was easier to face him when he was angry, when he had venom to match my own, because that look he always had in his eyes would disappear. I still found myself looking towards where the mirror had once been over the sink, a lifelong habit I was certain would follow me through the rest of this godsforsaken immortal life. “_Look at you!_” I’d screamed. “_Worthless, pathetic bastard_.” And I’d laughed, a cruel, mocking laugh while he just stood there, silent. “I _don’t want your help, I don’t need you. You are _nothing_._” Cassian had stood there, a vacant look in his eyes before he walked away. I called him a coward and he’d locked himself in the bathroom. The silence had been so welcoming until glass shattered and I heard wood splintering.

The wall bore no evidence of that night. My hands bore no scars of the glass I’d picked up off the floor after he had left. He left every chance he got, and I couldn’t blame him. Why would anyone want to be here? And with me, no less. But I had to stop myself. Acknowledging his absence led me nowhere.

Far too much hair fell when I brushed the knots out of it- and that didn’t include all of the hair I’d seen fall when I’d rinsed it in the shower. Cassian had suggested I cut it short like Amren. I scoffed at the idea.

Now that I was clean, I _had_ to change my bedsheets. I had to open the windows. If Cassian were here… I shook my head. I wouldn’t have left my bed if he were. I sat at the table and ate. I wasn’t hungry, I never was, but I wanted my hair to stop falling. I was sick of tea, but Cassian did not keep wine or any kind of alcohol here. Not even the disgusting mead the Illyrians drank. He’d come here drunk off it once, and… I set my fork down and closed my eyes.

I’d tore through the house trying to find the bottle. Even a glass.

I didn’t finish breakfast. Didn’t finish the tea. Instead, I grabbed the blanket on the sofa by the hearth and sat down. I skimmed through books and changed positions in my seat but I was restless. I hated how it felt to be lucid. To notice the sound of women- females, chatting as they walked home together. Children playing, laughing. Even in this wintery hell they played outside.

Time passed and the sounds of children began to die down. I imagined I’d woken up after noon as the sun was already beginning its descent. But I remained where I was, staring at the front door. It was cold, but it wasn’t worth lighting the hearth. There was no firewood, anyway.

I didn’t realize I’d fallen asleep until my blanket managed to fall and I was shivering. I reached for it and wrapped it around me, realizing the sun was up. I looked to the dining table to find yesterday’s breakfast exactly where and how I’d left it.

Cassian hadn’t come back.

I should have been happy, I should have felt some relief to be alone another day and yet…

It took me far too long to get dressed and braid my hair. To put on the heavy coat and boots Cassian had left outside my bedroom door weeks ago when it started getting cold. The scarf and hat were both the deepest of reds, but I had nothing else. I had no key to the house but I knew no one was stupid enough to break in, and if Cassian came back, Illyrian males talked far too much for him not to know where I was.

Daylight was blinding and I hissed, covering my eyes until I adjusted. Children were staring at me once I was able to look around and they went running when I met their gaze. I shoved my hands into the pockets of the coat, finding several gold marks. There was no way he didn’t know about them… I forced myself to walk, ignoring the voice that told me it was shameful to simply accept money I didn’t earn. But I hadn’t earned the money Feyre gave me, either, and I’d used it until she cut me off the very same day I left. Cassian had assured me I’d want for nothing but it stung. I knew I had no one to blame but myself, I’d gone too far…

I did my best to ignore the looks I received as I walked through the small village. Mostly from the females; the males avoided me as though I had a plague. But when they thought I was only a witch, they still looked. But it seemed that they feared the great lord commander more than the threat of some cauldron made sorceress.

The muscles in my legs were burning and I was out of breath, but I couldn’t sit another moment in that house. Waiting- The sound of wings stopped me, and I knew it wasn’t him, but I still looked up. Still watched the Illyrians fly until they were out of sight.

With my cheeks burning and my heart in my throat, I walked into the first shop I saw. It was rather empty, thankfully, save for the Illyrian female behind the counter. She barely spared me a glance and it was such a relief to be ignored I actually sighed. Audibly.

I walked around for a while until I came upon a small corner where a very small stack of books had been placed. I’d never read them before. The first book I grabbed was heavier than I expected. It was a fantasy, to my surprise. I set it down and looked through the others, going back to the first one.

I grabbed a leather satchel on the way back to the counter and set it down with the book. The female looked them over before acknowledging me.

“Is that all?” she asked.

“Yes,” I replied, my voice hoarse from disuse.

“I have a first edition of this one,” she said as she slipped the book into the satchel. She pushed it towards me.

“You didn’t tell me the price.”

“It’s alright. There’s a tab.”

“I have no tab,” I said, placing a gold mark on the counter. The surprise in her eyes was gone as quick as it had appeared before she put her hand over the mark.

“This is far too much.”

“Then keep the rest.”

She strummed her fingers against the counter.

“Tell you what. I keep what’s left, and when the other books in that series arrive, I’ll have them sent to you.”

I reached for the satchel and took a step back.

“That’s… I…” Words were lost on me. No one had spoken to me this way in months.

“You’re welcome,” she said with a smirk and that broke me out of the spell.

“Thank you,” I muttered and left.

By the time I made it back to the house, I was panting and starving. I slipped the satchel off and set it on the sofa as I removed the coat and hat, leaving the scarf on. I knew the kitchen was always stocked full with food and rummaged through the pantry until I found some bread and jelly. I was going to put the kettle on for tea but remembered it was still on the table.

Several dishes cleaned, two cups of fresh tea and four slices of bread later, I was lounging on the sofa with the book I’d purchased. I couldn’t get passed the first page, but the smell of a new book was comforting. This was the most I’ve done for myself since the war, second only to being able to bathe in a tub. And at that realization, I felt tears in my eyes. I breathed in, desperate for air. And as I let it out, I wept.

*

I’d forgotten how exhausting it was to cry. I hadn’t truly shed a tear since that night I lit the fire in the hearth and went from kneeling in the house to kneeling on the battlefield with Cassian dying at my side. The king looking down at me. I knew the memories were skewed, knew my mind changed truths and made it worse. But I hadn’t cried since, and Cassian had never lit another fire, either.

I lay on the sofa looking up at the ceiling. My body ached, and my nose was stuffy. I knew that if I tried to speak, I would hardly have a voice to use. But lucky for me, there was nothing and no one to talk to. Slowly, I sat up, gripping the cushions as the room began to spin. And I hated that I could already hear Cassian telling me to eat, that it would help. Even in my mind, I would have some retort ready, but not today. I was too tired.

After washing up, I took it upon myself to make breakfast. Nothing worth singing praises over, like the pastries Elain made every day. It hurt to think of her. To know that I’d ruined us out of anger and jealousy, out of hate for myself. I managed a scoff as I poured batter into a small pan. I was jealous of my own sister, for being able to move on. For living and smiling and finding love when I was stuck. And no matter how loud I screamed, no one heard me. Azriel had heard Elain when I had not- and that was my fault, too. He had seen her when I latched on to the image of a fragile doll, an innocent fawn who needed me. Elain didn’t need me. No one did. Even Cassian, who looked at me the way Azriel looked at Elain, the way Rhysand always looked at Feyre when she wasn’t looking. He didn’t need me when my sisters had enough love to share. If I tried to give him what I had-

I burned my breakfast but ate it anyway. I washed the dishes I used and took a shower. Though it pained me, I braided my hair into a crown and slipped into leggings and a heavy sweater. The socks in the drawer were too big to be mine but I didn’t care. I pulled back the curtains of every window save for the bathroom and Cassian’s room. Sunlight poured into the house and I grabbed the book and went to sit by the window seat. I read for hours, stopping only to see to my needs. I hadn’t realized I’d made it passed the middle of the book until the sun was falling. I could read another hour before the sun was truly gone… Or…

Though he’d been gone, his scent lingered in his room. His closet door was opened and it was bare save for a few shirts and pants. A clean pair of boots. His coat. I walked to his dresser, opening the first drawer. Finding myself looking at underclothes, I closed it shut, feeling a blush creep on me. The middle one had books and paper, pens and a bottle of ink. As tempting as it was to open one of the books, I grabbed one of the candles he had there and went in search of a match.


	3. 3

**Cassian**

“Things are quiet,” I said as I reached for the reports that Az had placed before me. “I don’t doubt it’s a ruse, trying to get us to lower our defenses. But I can’t lie that it’s a welcomed one.”

Rhys chuckled, slouching in his seat.

“They would be foolish to try anything now. Winter storms do no one any favors,” Az said, crossing his arms.

“Only Kallias,” Lucien chimed in, still busy replying to letters from Jurian and Vassa. While the others laughed, an idea came to mind, but I left it alone.

Once he finished his replies, Lucien handed copies to Az before working on the wax seals on the copies going to the Mortal Lands.

“So, we really won’t see you until Solstice?” Rhys inquired, and I untied my hair to run my fingers through it.

“I want to make the most of our time before Solstice and the damn storms you know we’ll get.”

“That’s fair,” Rhys said. “We have to work our asses off, though. With Elain joining us this year, you know Az is going to be showing off.”

“It’s not hard when the two of you do nothing but talk shit.”

“Remember that when we’re burying you six feet under the snow,” I said and we three burst into laughter, Lucien shaking his head at us as he left the room to find the courier.

Once we sobered down, Rhys let out a long sigh.

“Till Solstice then.”

“As long as those pricks don’t do anything stupid,” I replied.

“I’ll be seeing you before then, comes with the job. Besides, Elain’s been talking about visiting… I can’t imagine why,” Az said with a sigh, looking my way.

“I resent that.”

Az chuckled, reaching over to hit my arm.

“You know I love getting to see you and not having to share your time with anyone else,” Az said playfully, looking over at Rhys who feigned hurt.

“You know I love you, Rhysie.”

He rolled his eyes, mockingly repeating my words.

“We’ve wounded the poor High Lord,” Az teased, meeting my gaze and wiggling his brows. I grinned, getting up from my chair as he did. Rhys didn’t know what was happening until we’d both tackled him, chair and all, to the floor.

*

Although I’d said goodbye after breakfast, I still stopped by the gallery to see Feyre again. Feyre was walking around, helping the children with their paintings. When I opened the door, everyone stopped to look my way. I’d faced death far too many times, but the scrutiny of children was still unnerving. Especially when I was the one who led their loved ones into war, a war that many did not return from.

“Why don’t we try shading, just like I showed you?” Feyre said, bringing all that attention onto herself. “I’ll be right back.”

The children talked quietly as Feyre walked towards me. I noticed she had fresh paint on her temple and in her hair.

“Come to paint?” she teased and I let her hug me, paint and all.

“Another time,” I said and she rolled her eyes. “I promise.”

“Yeah, yeah… Come to say goodbye, then?”

“I don’t want to get caught in the snow.”

Feyre nodded, and I knew that if she asked me to stay, I would. She let out a sigh and leaned into me. I put my arms around her, holding her like that until one of the children shrieked. We both looked to see what was wrong, only to find them all running towards the window.

It had started snowing.

I helped Feyre get the children into their coats and we all went outside so they could play despite the fact that it was too light to stick. Feyre insisted on putting her scarf around my neck and gave me another hug.

“Let Rhys know when you’ve made it,” she said and kissed my cheek.

“I will.”

“I love you, Cas.”

“I love you, too, Feyre.”

She gave me a bright smile before she walked off, calling for the children’s attention. Before I took flight, Feyre held out her hand and focused until there was ice at her fingertips and she was making snowflakes flurry around them.

*

By the time I made it to Illyria, I was shivering from the cold. I touched down on land, the snow crunching beneath my boots as I walked towards the house. I fished for the key while I tried to grab Rhysand’s attention, which wasn’t hard to do when Feyre wasn’t around. _I’ve made it, prick, _I said across that void. His laughter was so clear it was as though he were standing beside me. _Good. I’ll let Feyre know. _

Then I shut him out, sliding the key into the lock and turned it. But the door wasn’t locked. I stepped into the house, finding the curtains pulled back and sunlight flooding the rooms. I could smell smoke, as though something had burned but there was no sign of it in the kitchen. Carefully, I walked towards the bedrooms and realized that it was far too quiet. I didn’t even hear her heart beating. Before I gave in to the panic that was already winding its way through, I knocked on her bedroom door.

“Nes?”

Some days, I’d come back to find her passed out on the bed. Once, on the floor. She didn’t eat enough. But most days, she was wide awake and simply ignoring me. That was easier to deal with than the thought of her not waking up again. I called out to her once more before I let myself in. She never left that door unlocked. Even when I was here.

But Nesta wasn’t in her room. Her bed was undone but the window was open. Her scent was faint, far too faint. It felt as though my heart had stopped and started again, racing far too fast for me to breathe. I shouldn’t have stayed away for so long. Bringing her here was my idea, and I had promised Feyre that her sister would be safe. If someone hurt her-

“Cassian?”

I stormed out of her room and down the hallway, finding Nesta standing in the doorway. She was wearing a coat and scarf, clutching a leather satchel with both hands. I was moving towards her before I knew what I was doing, pulling her into my arms, finally able to breathe. I pulled away, bringing my hands to her face.

“Are you alright? Are you hurt?” The words just spilled out as if centuries worth of self-restraint suddenly went to shit. Nesta put her hands over mine, gently pushing me away. I stepped back, realizing that I’d went too far. But before I could apologize Nesta reached into the satchel and held something out. It was a silver tin of chocolates, like the ones Feyre always hoarded for herself.

“I just… There wasn’t anything sweet here.”

I breathed out, feeling relieved. Feeling so fucking stupid for worrying. But I realized that the satchel was new. That she was wearing the coat and scarf I’d given her weeks ago. She stepped fully into the house and closed the door, pulling the satchel off her shoulders.

“I also bought candles,” she said, her voice slightly shaken, unsure. “To replace the ones I took.”

I raised a brow but she set the tin and satchel down on the table and pulled out three candles, similar to the ones in my dresser.

“Thank you,” I replied.

“I’m going to try to make hot chocolate,” she said as I asked, “Are you hungry?”

I wouldn’t call it a smile, but for once, Nesta wasn’t scowling. Or sneering. Or utterly devoid of emotion. It was an expression reserved for when she was alone, reading those books she loved so much and didn’t think anyone was paying attention.

“I can help,” I offered and to my surprise, Nesta nodded. She pulled the scarf off and the coat, setting them down on the back of the chair. She was wearing a grey sweater and leggings, and I finally noticed that she’d braided her hair.

I excused myself to change out of my leathers and get into warmer clothes. I left Feyre’s scarf on the dresser before going out to find Nesta unwrapping a solid bar of chocolate. She started cutting it into smaller pieces, her hands trembling all the while. I grabbed a pot and held it out for her to toss the pieces in. I thought we were done once I’d poured in the milk but Nesta walked away and came back with brown sugar, vanilla and heavy cream which I never used and never understood why Feyre had the twins bring.

“What’s all this?” I asked and Nesta actually smirked.

“Improvement.”

I didn’t stop myself from smiling.

*

We drank our first cup at the table but after the second, I followed Nesta to the living room. She sat by the window, pulling a blanket over her lap. She set her mug down to grab a book before curling up in her seat. I took to the sofa, content to do nothing and sit in comfortable silence. Nesta seemed to feel the same. There was light in those grey blue eyes of hers and color in her cheeks, and I noticed how her lips moved as she silently read to herself.

“You’re staring at me,” I heard her say and I blinked.

“Sorry.”

“Are you staying a while?” she asked quietly.

“Yes.”

She turned a page in the book and I noticed she was blushing. But she said nothing else and I decided that my mug of hot chocolate was in need of attention. When I emptied the mug, I saw her looking at me over the edge of her book and though I couldn’t see it, I knew she was wearing that smirk again as if to say, ‘_I told you so’. _

I left her reading while I cooked us dinner, grateful for the damn oven and how it warmed up the kitchen. I went around and lit the candles, the setting sun adding to the warm glow that now flooded the house.

I was surprised when Nesta brought her mug to the sink and washed it, along with mine and the other dishes there. Her braid was thinner than it used to be, but it wasn’t as lackluster as it had become. I didn’t comment on it, though, choosing to check on the food in the oven instead.

Dinner was eaten in silence. She’d picked at her plate at first but she was now on her second helping. I pushed the tea kettle her way and she nodded, letting me pour her another cup.

“I have to go to the camps tomorrow but I’ll be back before sundown,” I found myself saying. Nesta set her cup down and nodded. “Is there… Is there anything you want me to get before I come back?”

I was pushing my luck, I knew, but even if she said no…

“Dates… Or grapefruit.”

“Grapefruit?” I said without meaning to. She raised a brow. “They’re sour.”

“You asked.”

I raised my hands up in surrender.

“Then I’ll find them.”

Her eyes narrowed but she said nothing more, and went back to finishing dinner.

By the time I finished washing the dishes, Nesta was asleep on the window seat, her book pressed against her chest. I went in search of heavier blankets and brought them back to her, gently prying the book from her hands and setting it face up on the window sill. I froze when she opened her eyes as I was draping the blanket over her and she met my gaze. Nesta adjusted the throw pillow and turned to lay on her side.

“I don’t need all of them,” she said softly but didn’t protest when I covered her with them anyway.

“Good night, Nesta,” I whispered and stepped back, walking away. I was already in the hallway when I heard her say, “Good night, Cassian.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not doing so great. Writing this in the head space I'm in was rough but ended up being cathartic.

Nesta

Cassian was tying up his hair when I opened my eyes. I could see him by the door, already in his fighting leathers. I could smell food and that alone had me getting up from the sofa. Cassian turned to look my way and for a second, I thought he was going to smile. I hadn’t seen him smile in so long that after yesterday, I was surprisingly disappointed.

“Good morning,” he said, his voice still laced with exhaustion.

“I would believe you if you didn’t sound ready to collapse,” I found myself saying before I could stop myself. At this, Cassian smirks. “But… good morning.”

Cassian smiled. Perhaps it was better when he didn’t. My heart was too tight in my chest.

“I made breakfast… I’ll be back this evening.”

“Of course.”

Cassian considered me for a moment before giving me a nod and walking out. The sun wasn’t even up yet. I heard the front door lock and I waited until I heard him fly off before I got up. I washed up quickly, the water from the faucet refusing to warm up.

I didn’t wait to eat, the tea was a welcome warmth and the food was far too good to let it sit. I cleaned the dishes I used and went to change clothes. My scalp hurt after I undid my braid but I combed it, mortified at the hair left in the brush. But I braided it into a crown, having to stop and start over twice before I managed it.

I grabbed the scarf and wrapped it around my shoulders. Cassian always came back with the scent of my one or both of my sisters lingering. Sometimes one or all of the other insufferable males my sisters adored so much. But yesterday… it was wholly Feyre. I wondered if he noticed the paint stains on the scarf he had been wearing. But then I remembered the way he’d looked at me, the way he’d held me. If he had simply given himself a moment to think, he would have known I was alright… I didn’t want him, or anyone, worrying about me… But I would be lying if I said it hadn’t made me feel something more than worthless.

I spent the day reading until I grew tired of sitting. I folded the blankets until my arms grew tired and I gave up. I had just taken up the folded blankets in my arms when the front door unlocked and Cassian walked in. He looked at me and then at what I was holding. He said nothing as he walked inside the house and set down a rather large burlap bag on the table before walking towards me. When he tried to take them from me, I stepped back.

“Where do they go?” I asked.

“Attic.”

“What attic?”

Cassian motioned for me to follow him and he stopped in the middle of the hallway and it was truly an effort not to laugh when he got on his tip toes and ran his fingers across the ceiling until he found purchase. He carefully pulled down the wooden ladder. He then turned to me and with a stupid smirk, jerked his chin at the stairs as if to say _after you_.

I didn’t like the way the steps sounded beneath my feet but Cassian held the ladder until I was high enough to see the very low ceiling of the attic. There were chests and boxes everywhere. But it wasn’t covered in dust. It wasn’t even dark. There was a window at the far end that let the sunlight in.

“How did you even get in here?” I asked as I climbed onto the wood floor. When he didn’t answer, I looked back to find him twisting his upper body until he pushed himself up and sat down with his legs hanging over the edge. Something like a laugh escaped my lips at how utterly ridiculous this was, at how childish he looked sitting there.

“See that chest there, that’s where they go,” he said, pointing at the chest within touching distance. I opened it up and found it empty.

“Are there more?” I asked as I set them inside.

“Downstairs on the sofa.”

I almost asked him what the hell he had used to sleep under but my eye caught on something shiny. Carefully, I got to my feet but still had to walk slightly hunched over. When I knelt down, I pulled the white sheet that had been thrown over several old pieces of furniture. I reached into the partly opened drawer of a vanity that was missing its legs and the mirror. I pulled out a gold mirror, similar to the ones my mother kept in her room. I didn’t have to turn it over to see my reflection to know what it was.

“When Rhysand’s mother and sister died,” Cassian said. “I was supposed to get rid of some things.”

“But you didn’t.” My voice was nearly a whisper. I traced over the intricate designed etched into the gold.

“No… I couldn’t.”

“Why?”

“I had already lost one mother with nothing to remember her by.”

“And if Rhysand wants it back?”

“I’m counting on it.”

I set the mirror back into the dresser and carefully closed it.

“Is everything up here theirs?”

“No. Only what you see there. Everything else is… Well, after you’ve been alive for so long you tend to pick up some things here and there.”

“What, like weapons and leather pants?”

Cassian chuckled.

“Among other things,” he said. “But I do have something for you.”

I raised a brow. Cassian slid down and I watched him disappear down the steps. I followed after him and saw that he was holding the ladder for me. I thought nothing of it when I stepped down, holding out my hand and he took it, keeping me steady.

His thumb brushed over my palm as I skipped the last step and when he let me go, I felt cold. He folded the ladder and pushed it up and walked off. I followed him quietly back to where he’d left that bag and he brought it over to the dining table.

“I didn’t find grapefruit. But I did find dates… and pears.”

There was also more chocolate. Different kinds.

“Thank you,” I said softly and the surprise on his face broke my heart.

“It was nothing,” Cassian whispered.

“Are you staying for lunch?” I asked, guilt gnawing at my insides.

“Yes- if you want me to. If that’s alright.”

“Charred or ash? I don’t know much else.”

It took Cassian a moment to understand but once he did, he laughed. He laughed and walked towards the kitchen, as if this was how it always was. As if I had not been the reason why he had stopped smiling.

“I’ll make something quick,” he said, still laughing. “How do you feel about soup?”

My words came out so strangled I had to clear my throat.

“It’s fine.”

“Glad to hear it,” he said and washed his hands. “I haven’t had soup in a while… Rhys and Feyre get all weird whenever I’ve suggested it.”

“I can’t imagine why,” I muttered. I was certain Feyre had mentioned something about it, but she had been speaking to Elain. I kept myself out of it.

I helped him chop up vegetables and he let me pick the noodles, thoughts of Rhysand and Feyre’s oddities behind us. Cassian complained about Devlon and the other Illyrian pricks he was tired of being around while we ate. I suggested in jest that he simply get rid of them but I could tell that hit a nerve.

“It would be far too easy to just…” He sighed and shook his head. “We would lose what little respect we had. They’ve always hated me- us. I sent their family to war and-” Cassian stopped and brought his hands to his face.

I wanted to apologize but it was as though an invisible hand was wrapped around my throat. Cassian pushed his bowl aside and slouched in his seat.

“I should go,” he said but didn’t move.

I managed to thank him for lunch. He smiled a bit at that.

“The pleasure was mine,” he said and finally met my gaze.

“Do you really have to go back?”

“Someone has to keep those assholes in line.”

“So, sunset then.”

He nodded before getting to his feet. I don’t know why I got up, or why I followed him to the door. I don’t know why I stood at the doorway while he walked out and finally stretched his wings.

“Sunset,” he said as he waved back at me before taking to the skies.

Once inside the house, I finished my bowl before taking our dishes to the sink. I rummaged through the cabinets until I found something to store what was left and put in the ice box.

The braid in my hair was starting to hurt and I carefully took it apart. I rubbed my scalp and let out a sigh. When I looked down, I noticed the strands of hair on my sweater and promptly brushed them away. I walked over to the window seat and grabbed a book and began to read.

I stopped reading near sunset, pushing up my sleeves. I walked around the house and lit some of the candles. I could feel hair brushing my arm but when I looked, I couldn’t see it. In the kitchen, I grabbed a bowl and broke up some pieces of chocolate and tossed them in. I considered making hot chocolate again but I felt so uncomfortable. Again I looked and sighed once I found it. I walked back to where my book awaited but stopped when I saw the pillow where I’d been sitting. Mortified, I set the bowl down on the mantle of the fireplace and quickly went to get rid of it. I let it fall on the floor and went after the broom.

It was embarrassing how tiring it made me. I leaned the broom against the fireplace and grabbed the leather cord in the pocket of my sweater. After I twisted my hair high atop my head, I made to begin tying the leather but I came away with so much hair I didn’t bother. I began running my fingers through my hair, watching some of it fall. I began trying to sweep it up but tears blurred my eyes. This was a nightmare, but a nightmare of my own creation. I wept as I finished up, kneeling down to carry the dust pan…

But where could I get rid of it? I couldn’t let Cassian see this, I couldn’t be crying when he came back. He’d try to fix it, try to make sure I wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed. I considered it for a moment but I was overcome by guilt. I was a monster. How could he look at me the way he did? How could he laugh and smile when all I have ever done was try to make him suffer as I did? I didn’t even look like myself anymore, I didn’t need a mirror to know it to be true. There was nothing about me worth his kindness. Worth his attention. The Illyrian men called me a witch… but I couldn’t hold a candle to the Weaver. I remembered her, how beautiful she was. A monster, a witch- I was nothing like that. I was nothing.

Nothing and no one.

I got to my feet and rushed into the kitchen, opening the drawers until I found the knives. Taking the first one I saw, I grabbed some of my hair and began to hack away at it. I could barely see with the tears in my eyes, but once the knife cut through, I grabbed some more. On and on until I was pulling on various lengths of hair and struggled to cut it. But I didn’t stop, I couldn’t. Not until the knife cut my left hand and I dropped it. I fell to my knees, clutching my hand to my chest. Only then did I realize what I’d done. I began to weep. It felt as though I’d lost something, as if I’d ripped away what little was left of me, all that the Cauldron had not been able to take. The only part of me that had not changed, my only bridge to a life stolen from me.

I sobbed when I heard the door open. I turned to look up and found Cassian rushing towards me. He fell to his knees before me and I hand out my hand to him It had already closed, but it was still sore.

“What have I done?” I asked. I wasn’t sure who I was talking to. “I’ve ruined everything.”

“That’s not true, Nesta.”

I pulled my hand away from him.

“Don’t lie to me, Cassian. I’ve ruined everything. Everything! How can you stand it? How are you still here?”

Cassian didn’t yell back. He didn’t even flinch. He simply took me in his arms and cradled me against him. I put my hands on his chest to push him away but it hurt too much.

“Will you let me fix this?” he asked quietly, holding me a little closer. “I can clean this up… There’s scissors in the room.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” I said, sounding utterly defeated.

“I know,” he replied and it felt like an arrow to the heart. “But we both know that is a mountain we can’t hope to climb overnight.”

“We.” It wasn’t a question. I wasn’t sure what it was.

“Yes, we. You and I. No one else.”

I said nothing, hiding my face in his chest. I wanted to die when he passed his hand over my hair.

“Will you let me help you, Nesta?” he asked.

“I won’t always be this way,” I replied. I didn’t know what to call it, this place that was more than nothing but less than whole.

Cassian kissed the top of my head.

“I know that. But if you’re going to be yelling at me again, I want to be able to take you seriously.”

He mussed up my hair and I shoved him with my right hand.

“I hate you,” I said, though it was a lie. I crossed my arms and looked up at him. He was smiling.

“Yeah?” he asked and I nodded. That damn smile only grew as he lied and said, “I hate you, too.”


	5. Chapter 5

Cassian

The sun was already down when I finally made it to the house. I didn’t realize just how tired I was until I was unlocking the front door. I stepped inside and took off my boots, not wanting to leave footprints on the floor. Nesta had left a blanket and an open book on her usual seat by the window.

I found her in the kitchen, but this time, she was pouring copious amounts of sugar into a cup. She had my scarf wrapped around her neck and I could see the points of her ears were pink. She turned to face me and pushed the jar of sugar aside.

“You’re here,” she said and drank from her mug.

“Planning on sleeping tonight?” I asked in jest. She smirked.

“I have a book to finish.”

I went and turned the oven on.

“Did you let the faucet run for a bit?”

“Mhm.”

I sighed. “I need to wash my hair.”

“You’ll get sick.”

“Illyrians don’t get sick.”

Nesta _rolled her eyes_.

“I’m in the mood for beef stew again. Can I heat that up?”

“By all means, Nes.”

The shower was piss warm and that wasn’t enough to combat the cold. Maybe I’d let Rhys charm the house like our cabin… I dried up and got dressed quickly. Nesta was smirking when she saw me approach the table where she was sitting. She had already set the table.

“Who do I call on when you keel over?”

“Rhys will know,” I replied and pulled the pot of stew towards me. Nesta’s eyes widened when I held it without a mitt but it was a relief.

She made a face. “Don’t die then.”

I chuckled. “I’ll do my best.”

I pushed the pot back to her after I’d served myself. I didn’t touch my plate until she was ready to eat.

“Why do you wait? All of you.”

I raised a brow but she nodded at the pot.

“Az wouldn’t touch his plate until Rhysand’s mother was sitting down with us. Something to do with his mother… And it just stuck. Seeing her little smile at such a mundane gesture was worth it.”

“She was kind,” she said softly. “You look happy when you think of her.”

“She was.”

We finished our dinner in silence. I let the water run until it was warm enough to wash the dishes. She moved on to her seat by the window, setting a candlestick on the sill. I laid out on the sofa and was all too happy to wrap one of the blankets around me.

“If I weren’t here,” Nesta said, not taking her eyes off her book, “What would you be doing? I can’t imagine you just lazing about like this.”

I chuckled.

“On a good day? More exercise. Or I visit some of the camps, just to check in. But most of the time, I sleep.”

“You don’t go back?” To Velaris, is what she didn’t say.

“No. Not this time of year. There’s too much to do. Too much I’m responsible for.”

“And tomorrow?”

“The females have training. I’m overseeing it.”

She said nothing more.

*

The sun was bright as the females sparred, the melted snow doing nothing to deter them. They’ve got more stamina, and they’re swift. Cunning. They went through their drills effortlessly and though they’re tired when it came time to pick up their weapons, they gave it their all.

They barely missed a beat when Nesta appeared outside of the sparring ring. She was wearing my hat and scarf, her gloved hands clutching the straps to her satchel. 

“Mind your left side, Lila,” I called out as I left the ring. Lila rolled her eyes at me but quickly adjusted her stance.

Nesta turned to face me when I was close enough to notice how red her nose was.

“Nes… You’re here.”

“I finished the book.”

”Out for a walk then?”

Nesta averted her gaze.

“I thought I’d come see what all the fuss was about.”

I smiled. “You won’t regret it.”

She scoffed.

But Nesta remained as she was. She watched me spar with some of the females. Listened to me shout orders and encouragement. There were moments where I felt something _off_, but when I would look at her, she was still as stone. She didn’t move at all, even after it was over and the sun was setting and everyone was going home.

She was quiet as we walked back to the house. It was strange to walk side by side and there not be any animosity between us, but I said nothing of it. I unlocked the door and held it open for her and once she was inside, I quickly shut it behind me.

“Hey, are you hungry? We were out there for hours-”

“How do you stand it?” Nesta asked. Her voice was quiet. “The sound. The memories? How do you do this every day?”

I set the key down on the side table and leaned against the armrest of the sofa. The house was dark, but there was still enough light that I could see her well enough. She was on the verge of tears.

“I have to be stronger. I have to teach _them_ to be stronger so when someone comes along and threatens their families, their homes, they can defend themselves.”

“But you…” Nesta took her bag and set it on the table. She pulled the hat and scarf away and shrugged off her coat. I watched her walk over to the window seat but she didn’t sit down. “It doesn’t go away.”

“No, Nes… It doesn’t.”

She ran her fingers through her hair and started pacing.

“I can’t breathe,” she said, putting a hand over her throat. “I’m drowning still. How are you breathing?”

I rose to my feet but I didn’t move.

“Nes…”

“I’m going to pull you under,” she said. “I don’t want to… I don’t.”

“Nesta.”

I took a few steps towards her. There it was again. That strange feeling of wrongness.

“Nesta, _stop_.”

She looked at me wide eyed, as though she’d just noticed I was there. And that feeling disappeared.

”Breathe, Nesta.” And she did. “Again.”

I took another step.

“I’ll pull you up,” I said to her. “If you let me.”

“You can’t.” Her voice broke.

“I can. And I will.”

She sniffled, wiping her eyes with the end of her sleeve.

“What if I pull you under?” she asked, her voice so small it broke something in me.

“I won’t let that happen.”

I offered her my hand and was both surprised and relieved when she accepted. I led her to the sofa and we sat down, still holding hands.

“Cassian?”

“Hm?”

“I feel so tired.”

“I can walk you to your room,” I said and made to get up but she stopped me, holding my hand tight.

“_No_.” She sounded mortified.

“Alright, alright. I’m not going anywhere.”

I stretched out my wing and mindful of her, I wrapped it around her. She leaned into me a bit, bringing her knees almost up to her chest. She loosened her hold of my hand, but didn’t completely let go.

“You are going to grow tired of this,” she said with a sigh.

“Of the cold? I’ve got two wings.”

“No, you overgrown bat. Of me. Of this.”

“Oh, of that I have no doubt,” I said and I felt her tense. “When I get tired of Rhys and Azriel, I come here. The two of them hate it enough I know they won’t follow me.”

“But you love them.”

“With all of my heart.”

We remained silent for a time and having her so close to me, enveloped in her scent, I began to doze off.

“Cassian?”

“Hm?”

“I don’t regret today,” she said and then she fell asleep.

*

I was getting ready to go inside when Rhys and Azriel touched down on land.

“What was so important that you made us come all the way out here?” Rhys asked.

“Let’s get inside. It’s fucking cold out.”

They didn’t fight me on that.

It was heaven inside the cabin and I wasted no time in kicking off my boots and laying down in front of the fireplace. I ignored the looks Rhys and Az gave one another; I had every intention of basking in it while we were here.

“Is it still so bad you can’t light the hearth?” Az asked and I glared at him. He chuckled, raising his hands in surrender. “I’m only the messenger.”

“Yeah, well, the shadows can mind their business.”

“What’s going on, brother?” Rhys asked softly. “For us to be here, to not tell Feyre or Elain…”

I groaned, bringing my hands to my face.

“Nesta came to watch the females train yesterday,” I said and both males looked equally surprised. “And whenever weapons were involved… I would feel this heaviness in the air. Like something not of this world, something other.

“But Nesta was fine. Well, as fine as she can be. And when we got the house, she just… she broke down and I felt it again. She was so scared, she didn’t want me to leave. I’m here now because Emerie sent a messenger to the house. Her books came in and Nesta wanted to get them herself.”

“She’s talking to you?” Rhys asked.

“And she’s leaving the house?” Az added.

“That’s not the point.” I pushed myself up on my elbows and looked at them, the two in disbelief. “This could be her power- none of us know what the cauldron did to her. Elain is a Seer. But Nesta…”

“Do you believe she’s a danger to herself? To you?”

“No. I don’t even know if she’s aware.”

“Her sisters should know,” Rhys said softly.

“I know that… I just feel like for now, at least until I’m sure of it- they shouldn’t.” I sighed.

“That’s fair,” Az said. “Elain hasn’t had any visions… Not pertaining to Nesta, anyway.”

“Where does Nesta think you are now?”

“With you two,” I replied, laying back on the floor. “High Lord bullshit.”

Rhys chuckled. “Indeed.”

“What about Elain and Feyre?”

“Feyre was asleep when I left,” Rhys said.

“Elain knows I’m with you. But she’s been hell bent on finding Solstice presents, so she’s glad for any excuse to keep me and the shadows far.”

“She found Feyre’s gift. Did she tell you?” Rhys asked and I closed my eyes, hearing them talk but not truly listening. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hella fluff on this fine Monday evening

Nesta

The sounds of swords clashing, of shouts and bodies hitting the ground threatened to bring me back to the moment I had covered Cassian with my body. I knew it was foolish to stand there and watch Cassian train with the warriors, but I couldn’t keep away. It made me want to hide inside myself, it seemed to awaken that power inside of me I did not understand. But it reminded me that I was alive- that Cassian was alive and breathing and still fighting. His wings, though scarred, were whole. There was fire in those hazel eyes and I needed it. I needed to see him breathing. 

But I put a limit on myself. I told myself I would not stay here more than a few hours. Not like that first time. I waited until Cassian looked my way and I held up my hand as though to say goodbye. But I didn’t move until he acknowledged me with a nod of his head.

The shop was busier than usual but everyone gave me ample space to peruse the shelves unbothered. I saw a black scarf hanging beside scarves of other colors and reached out to rub the fabric between my fingers. It was just as nice as the red one I wore. I made to let it go, but thought of my sister’s scarf in Cassian’s room.

“You’re back,” Emerie said with a smirk. “Oh, I like this one. Is that all?”

“For now.”

“Hm…”

I watched her write something down in her ledger- I’d opened my own line of credit with the gold marks I had. It was… strangely liberating.

“Thank you,” I said as she folded the scarf and set it in a brown bag. She did not let go when I grabbed it.

“What are you doing around noon?” she asked.

“Nothing.”

“Would you want to have lunch with me? My treat.”

I blushed as she let go of the bag.

“Uh…”

“It’s alright, I didn’t mean to be so forward.”

“No! No… I’d like that very much.”

“Wonderful.”

I idled about the store as she finished with the remaining customers before she locked the front door and guided me out through the back. Now that we were walking side by side, I realized how much taller she was than me. She was beautiful, as all the Illyrian people seemed to be, even though some were more rough around the edges. A part of me wondered why Cassian would ever look at me when someone like Emerie existed.

“They say you’re a witch,” Emerie said with a sly smile.

“And if I am?”

“I would enjoy your company more.”

I raised a brow.

“Wouldn’t my presence affect what others thought of you?”

“I’m not exactly the most beloved here.”

“That makes two of us, then.”

“I don’t know about that,” she said playfully. “But I’ll agree.”

I made to ask what she meant but by the smile on her face, I understood.

Emerie bought food off an elderly male’s cart and hot drinks from his wife. We sat on a bench and ate in an amicable silence. Sometimes someone would say hello to her but once they saw me, they’d scurry off as though they had somewhere else to be. Emerie found this amusing.

“I should ask you to spend time with me more often.”

“Do I entertain you?” I asked, not meaning to sound so cold.

“I did not mean to offend. But I don’t have very many friends and you… Well, at least if I won your friendship, I would know it would come without strings.”

“Is that what this is, then?”

I wouldn’t dare to call the look in her eyes _hopeful_… But it was a pleasant thought.

“I’ve never had many friends,” I admitted. Truthfully, I’d never _any_ friends. Not like Feyre did. I’d ruined whatever had blossomed between Amren and I, like fire to a garden, leaving nothing but ashes. And Cassian… He was the closest thing to a true friend I’d ever had but it was… more than that. “I don’t know how to…”

“I believe we spend time together. Gossip. Tell each other secrets.”

”You make it sound so simple.”

Emerie laughed softly.

“It doesn’t have to be difficult, Nesta Archeron. It can be whatever we make it.”

*

I’d managed to boil water for tea when Cassian arrived at the house. He stepped in with his leathers sprinkled with snow. He quickly closed the front door and locked it before he kicked off his boots.

“Smells good in here,” Cassian said and I hummed my approval. Emerie had told me where to get a decent meal and suggested one particular dish for me to try.

“I… I was told this is very good,” I said as I set the bowls on the table. I’d already gone ahead and served us both from the containers I’d placed on the counter.

Cassian walked over and looked at the bowl I’d placed in his usual seat.

“Yellow rice and pigeon peas, roasted pork… Damn, I’d forgotten how good of a cook Pilar is.”

“She seemed… lovely.”

The elderly Illyrian female had been too kind.

“She also sent over this dessert she said you like. She said it won’t kill you to indulge yourself every now and then.”

Cassian chuckled.

“Let me go change,” he said and flashed me a smile before he hurried off to his room. He returned in a black long-sleeved shirt and flannel pants. His socks muted his steps as he came to sit down with me at the table.

“This is my favorite,” he said as he happily grabbed his fork and dug in.

“Is it?” I wondered if Emerie knew that, but then, Pilar had said it was everyone’s favorite.

“We eat this around Winter Solstice. One of the few things I think Azriel and Rhys would come here for if I made it.”

“Have you?”

He shook his head.

“This is for family, not for a lone Illyrian.”

That made me incredibly sad.

“Well… I suppose that isn’t true anymore. Is it?”

Cassian looked at me in surprise. Awe, almost.

“No. You’re right.”

It grew quiet but I noticed Cassian was watching me eat and would look away whenever I looked directly at him.

“This is going to taste even better tomorrow,” he said as we both served ourselves seconds. “And if we manage to have any leftover, it’ll be the best the day after.”

I found myself smiling softly and when I met Cassian’s gaze, he looked heartbreakingly _happy_. I was unworthy of such emotion, for him to look at me this way.

“I found something today,” I said rather quickly and got to my feet. Cassian raised a brow. “Wait here.”

If I didn’t do this now, I knew I never would. I went into my room and even in the dark, I could see the bag on my dresser. I pulled the scarf out and hurried back to where Cassian waited.

“The one you gave me,” I said nervously. “I wasn’t sure if that was the only one you had and then… it’s black, so I supposed it would match more than red.”

I held out the scarf to him, still folded neatly on my hands. He looked at it and then at me.

“It’s for you,” I said and took a step closer to him. He looked so bewildered I wondered if he’d reject it- as I’d rejected all his gifts before. I never allowed myself to think of Winter Solstice… of that gift he’d wanted so badly to give me. That I had so cruelly rejected.

But Cassian leaned forward in his chair and I took the expectant look in his eyes as invitation to wrap the damned scarf around his neck. I stepped back to look at him, at how he adjusted it a bit before he smiled.

“Thank you, Nesta. I don’t think I’ll ever take it off,” he said and I rolled my eyes. “At least for winter.”

I crossed my arms.

“Ready for dessert?”

“If it’s what I think it is, yes,” he said and got to his feet.

I had no intentions of eating dessert; Pilar had sent it to Cassian. But he insisted I try it at least once which I was certain was a mistake. I would’ve eaten all of it alone if I knew it wouldn’t make me sick. It was a sweet kind of custard that had cooked with caramelized sugar at the bottom before it was flipped over to serve. I accepted his plate and ate what was left without any shame.

I read a few chapters before Cassian walked me to my bedroom. I was certain he knew I had no intentions of sleeping there, but it was… routine? Normal? I would disappear in my room and change into pajamas and switch out my books while he went to sleep. But I hated it, being in the room alone. Being reminded of the months I spent fading away in it.

“Cas?” I asked quietly. My hand was still on the doorknob.

“Hm?”

“I… Are you truly going to bed?”

“I’m laying down, can’t guarantee I’ll fall asleep, though.”

“If I promised to leave once you did… Could I sit in your room?” To read. To not be alone. Words I could not voice but I knew Cassian understood as he understood everything. 

“Of course,” he said softly and motioned for me to follow him.

He lit a single candle before he pulled back the covers. He got in bed while I sat at the very end, putting my book on my lap. I read for a time, the only sound in the room was the turn of the page and Cassian’s breathing. He hadn’t fallen asleep yet so I continued to read until my eyes grew heavy. I yawned and adjusted myself so that I wasn’t so hunched over the book.

“You don’t have to leave,” Cassian said so quietly I wondered if I’d imagined it. I turned to face him and found him looking at me. “It’s up to you.”

He said nothing more and rolled on his side so that his back was to me. I still looked at him, at his wings- how many times had he nearly lost them? I slid off the bed and walked to the dresser where I set my book down. I blew out the candle and surprising Cassian, surprising myself, I climbed onto his bed and pulled the covers over my legs.

I lay on my side, looking at his back, at how tense he was. There was enough space between us that if I reached out, I would be grasping thin air. But what could I do? What could I say to him?

“You shouldn’t sleep with the scarf on,” I blurted out. “You’ll die in your sleep and I will be blamed for your death.”

Cassian sat up in the bed and looked down at me. He began to take the scarf off but he merely set it beside him.

“Would you strangle me in my sleep?” he asked.

“I’ve considered it.”

He chuckled and lay back down, pulling the blankets over us both.

“I can’t blame you. But if I’m gone, who would keep that sharp tongue of yours up to par?”

“My sharp tongue can survive without you.”

“I don’t know about that… No one else gets under your skin like I do and you would get bored trying to find someone else as handsome and irritating as I am.”

“There’s Rhys.”

Cassian feigned insult. “Rhys? You don’t even like breathing the same air as him.”

I laughed, reaching out to swat his arm before I knew what I was doing. Cassian caught me by the wrist. I met his hazel gaze and went still as he loosened his hold enough to lace his fingers with mine. When had we gotten so close? But… it wasn’t close enough. I pushed myself over until I was so close, there was barely a hand’s breadth between us.

I’d never had a real friend, not even as a mortal girl. But Cassian… He knew me in ways no one else did, in ways no one else ever could.

He brought our joined hands to his heart- he was alive. He was whole.

“One mountain at a time,” Cassian whispered. “Together.”

“Together,” I echoed and closed my eyes, leaning into him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm Puerto Rican so for the holidays we eat arroz con gandules and pernil. There's always flan and other stuff I pretty much wait all year round for. That's where I got this all from. Also, Pilar is my abuela's middle name and I couldn't help it. lol


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this has taken so long. I wasn't happy with what I had and between being sick and my daughter getting sick, I had no time to really focus on this. I hope this was worth the wait!!!

Opening my eyes, I noticed two things. One, Nesta was asleep with her back against my chest and two, I had an arm wrapped around her waist and her hands were over mine. The last time we’d ever been this close, I was fairly certain I would meet my end. I had been determined to find her in the next life and here we were now. Alive. Breathing. Whole. We had been so ready to accept an end that never came-

“Whatever it is you’re thinking about,” Nesta said softly. “Please, stop.”

There was genuine mirth in her voice but I realized I’d been holding her even closer. I made to pull away but Nesta didn’t let me move my arm away.

“I’m not ready to walk on that wood floor,” she said and I chuckled.

“Can’t argue with that.”

Nesta kept her hands over mine. The tips of her pointed ears were pink and her hair was perfectly tousled. We remained like that for a time, despite the fact that I knew I had places to be. I would cherish every second of this. Nesta believed this would change, that it would go back to how it was, and maybe it was a fool’s hope- but I didn’t believe that.

Nesta stretched out and let out a yawn before sitting upright. I followed suit and watched her run her fingers through her hair. It was more lustrous now. With the way she’d cut her hair, I had to shave off so much of it to be even, that I simply gave her an undercut. Eventually, the hair on top would be long enough for her to tie out of her face… But it suited her. She was still too thin, but she didn’t look as gaunt as she had when I’d first brought her here. She looked just as fierce and beautiful as always, especially without the scowl.

“You’re staring at me,” Nesta said.

“I am doing no such thing.”

She turned around to face me. “I don’t need a mirror to know. I can feel it.”

“Is that right?”

Nesta rolled her eyes and once again, ran her fingers through her hair. After I’d cut her hair, I learned how easy it was to lull her to sleep by doing just that. And as if she knew what I was thinking, Nesta’s cheeks flushed pink and she cleared her throat.

“I have to… I’ll be quick.” Nesta slid off the bed and hurried out of the room. When I heard the bathroom door close, I laughed quietly to myself before I got up and made the bed.

*

“This smells like you,” Nesta said sourly.

“Do you want to use it or not?” I asked and brought the small tin of pomade closer to her nose. She smacked my hand away and I laughed.

“I want to not look like I’ve just woken up.”

“But you did.”

“_Cassian_.”

I gave her a smirk before I put some pomade on my fingertips and set the tin down. Nesta crossed her arms as I moved to stand a little closer. She closed her eyes as I ran my fingers through her hair and throwing all caution to the wind, I massaged her scalp. I saw her smirk but she said nothing. Instead, she let out a little smile.

“I can brush it back or do you want to keep it the way it is?”

“What do you think?”

“Either way would suit you, Nesta.”

She let out an exasperated sigh.

“Whatever. Just… Don’t make me look stupid.”

“Perish the thought.”

*

I was standing ankle deep in mud while I oversaw the females’ training. I had slept the entirety of the night and had missed the fact that it had snowed. But it didn’t stick and every dirt path was a mudslide. It was cold- winters in Illyria were brutal, but it was the wind, a raging wind that made the cold seep into the bones.

By the time training ended, everyone was shivering. I helped clean and put away the weapons. I met with Devlon and the others to discuss the usual bullshit before I was able to leave for the day. It started snowing as I flew to the house and forced myself to descend. To walk the rest of the way. The snow felt more like shards of ice hitting my face. And by the time I got to the house, my hair was wet and my leathers were soaked through.

I remained in the entryway to take off my boots. Nesta was in her room, but she’d lit candles and had something heating up on the stove. I set my weapons on the small table by the sofa before I began to get out of my leathers.

Nesta stepped out and I paused, thankful I hadn’t taken the leathers off completely. Ice cold water dripped from my hair and down my back and chest and I bit down a shiver.

“Did you go swimming?” she asked as she stepped closer. Cautiously.

“It’s snowing.”

Her gaze fell to the pile of wet leather on the floor and appeared to be on the verge of tears.

“You should shower before you get sick,” she said, and looked at me, her face emotionless.

“Illyrians don’t get sick,” I reminded her and she rolled her eyes.

I didn’t undress completely until I was under the scalding hot water and when it was over, I wrapped a towel around my hips and cursed the entire way to my room. My clothes were cold, even the socks. Even the scarf Nesta had given me. But I wrapped it around my neck anyway.

When dinner was over, I offered to wash the dishes. The hot water was a relief from the damn cold. Nesta quietly left the kitchen. When I finished, I heard a creaking sound and walked out into the hallway to find Nesta walking down the attic stairs with blankets thrown over her shoulder. She stepped down and walked into my bedroom and I followed her after I’d sealed the attic.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“What does it look like?”

“It looks like you’re putting every blanket I own on top of my bed.”

“It’s colder than it was last night,” she said, her tone leaving no room for argument. “Better we wake up needing to kick some of them off than to suffer the night with your teeth chattering.”

_We_.

“Thank you,” I said and Nesta paused.

“There’s a book by the window… Would you bring it to me?”

“Of course.”

Once I had the book, I put out the candles until the only source of light came from my bedroom. Nesta was sitting on the bed, leaning against the wall with a blanket around her shoulders. I passed her the book before I climbed into bed.

“I’ll put it out when I’m done,” she said as I pulled the covers over my legs. I laid down on my stomach and stretched my wings just enough before I felt comfortable to sleep. I closed my eyes, the light of that one candle not bright enough to disturb me. Once, the scent of her mixed with mine would’ve rendered me completely worthless… But it was soothing. Familiar. I wasn’t foolish enough to forget how bad it had been… but I wouldn’t repeat the mistakes I made after the war. And I could lay beside her and feel nothing but gratitude that she felt safe enough at my side.

I heard Nesta turn a page in her book and she let out a sigh.

“No reconciliation yet?” I asked with a smirk.

“Shut up,” Nesta replied hastily and then, “But it’s been an entire book already. I don’t understand why he would be so… cold. She’s opened herself completely to him and he’s letting his past get in the way. It makes for wonderful angst but come on!”

I chuckled. “I’m sure the make up sex will be great.”

Nesta shoved her foot into my side and I laughed.

“Tell me I’m lying,” I said and opened my eyes to look at her. “They’re going to walk circles around each other and someone’s going to nearly die before they both realize how stupid they’re behaving and then you’ll get an entire chapter dedicate to-”

“Shut up, Cassian!” Nesta laughed and the sound was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. “It’s not so simple as that.”

“Why?”

Nesta was actually blushing.

“They’ve both lost too much and it’s… terrifying to finally have someone who sees and knows every part of them and is not afraid. They don’t feel deserving of such a thing.”

Nesta met my gaze and I had the feeling she wasn’t talking about her beloved book characters anymore.

“I hope that it doesn’t come to that then,” I said softly. “I hope they’ll realize what they have in front of them without having to suffer through another loss.”

For a moment, I thought Nesta would cry. Then she cleared her throat and looked back at the book.

“I hope it doesn’t either,” she said and kept on reading.

*

It felt as though I’d spent the night drinking with Azriel and Rhys- though Feyre had gotten shit faced with me enough times to know none of us stood a chance. There was no keeping up with her. The pressure in my head, in my face- I was of a mind to hand Nesta an ax to alleviate it. I couldn’t breathe through my nose, as if I’d been underwater too long. But that couldn’t be right, it felt like I was on fire. I opened my eyes despite how much it pained me to do so…

…Only to find myself looking at Nesta. Who was grinning like a devil.

“Is this where you finally kill me off?” I asked and my eyes widened at how much that hurt. I sounded like someone had taken sandpaper to my throat.

“You have a fever,” she said. “I’m surprised you haven’t coughed up a lung.”

“What?” I sat up and regret it immediately. Nesta put her hands on my shoulders and pushed me back against the bed.

“You’re sick.”

“No, Illyrians-”

“Are nothing more than overgrown children. You are ill.”

I groaned and that only seemed to amuse her further.

“I have so much to do…”

“It can wait. You’re of no use to anyone if you die.”

Then she put something cold on my forehead.

“Leave it. This is just until the tea is done.”

“Nesta…”

“Close your eyes. I’ll bring you the tea when it’s ready.”

I woke up some time later and pulled the cloth away. It was far too warm to be of any use. I sat up and realized Nesta wasn’t in the room. I scented her and-

“Do not insult me by sending some woman here to do something I am perfectly capable of doing,” Nesta hissed.

“Madja has cared for Cassian before.” It was Rhys. Smug, arrogant, nosy ass Rhys.

“I don’t care.”

“And you want me to leave my brother in _your_ care?”

I got out of bed and walked out into the hallway. My head was spinning.

“I don’t care what you want, High Lord. Cassian is ill and I can take damn good care of him without your interference.”

I started coughing, and they both looked my way. Nesta hurried over to where I was and took me by the wrist. Wordlessly, she led me to her window seat and had me sit. Ignoring Rhys, Nesta went back to the kitchen.

“What are you doing here?” I asked Rhys who was smirking.

“The Commander of my armies was noticeably absent from his duties. Surely you didn’t think I wouldn’t inquire as to why.”

“Go home,” I said and started coughing again.

Nesta brought me a cup of tea… ginger with lemon and honey.

”Drink that, breakfast should arrive any moment.”

I raised a brow and Nesta sighed.

“I sent word to Pilar to make you something.”

“How?”

Nesta blushed. “That Devlon prick came knocking on the door…”

And with us sharing a bed, our scents were mingled together and I could already tell what Devlon _and_ Rhys were thinking. _It’s not like that asshole_, I glared at Rhys and he snorted. Nesta whirled on him.

“Why are you still here? _Leave_.”

“With Cassian unable to fulfill his duties, Azriel and I must step in.”

Bullshit but-

“Feyre and Elain will be here any moment. I’ve been asked to wait.”

“I am perfectly capable of taking care of Cassian by myself. My sisters would be of no help.”

Rhys shoved his hands in his pockets and if it wasn’t because Nesta would get mad at me, I would have thrown my cup of tea in his face.

“Oh, I know. I’m waiting for them to arrive so I can bring them to the training grounds to oversee the females and their training today. But I am very relieved to know how passionate you are about my brother’s wellbeing.”

“Get. Out.”

I hadn’t seen Nesta this angry in quite some time and I didn’t feel the least bit guilty to not be on the receiving end of it. When Rhys took a step forward, I growled. He looked my way, surprised. _I_ was surprised at myself, but he didn’t need to know that.

“Send my love to Madja, but she doesn’t need to worry about me. None of you do.”

Rhysand’s surprise changed into something like understanding.

“Very well. If anything changes, shout for me.” Rhys looked at Nesta who was looking at me with an unreadable expression on her face. He smiled and saw himself out. Nesta let out an irritated sigh and went back to the kitchen. She was slamming cabinets closed and muttering insults and curses about ‘High Lord bastards’ and their ‘self-entitlement’. I chugged down the scalding hot tea and got to my feet.

“What are you doing? Sit down,” Nesta said before she’d even turned around to look at me.

“I finished.” I held up the cup. “Thank you.”

“Yes, well… You shouldn’t have bothered,” she snapped, and snatched the cup from my hand. “Would you like another?”

She was pouring me another cup anyway. Tempting fate, I hugged her from behind. She tensed at first but quickly relaxed.

“Thank you, Nes,” I said quietly.

“You’re very lucky this isn’t catching.” She added honey to the tea and reached for the sugar. “But you are very welcome.”

She mixed in more sugar than I would ever have asked for but I wouldn’t complain.

“Here, drink some more. You need to sweat it out.”

“I can think of a few ways to get rid of this fever.”

Nesta turned around in my hold and crossed her arms. She scowled, but what I saw in her eyes was enough to knock the wind from me. It wasn’t hate. Wasn’t anger or resentment. But something more precious, something I never dared to believe I’d ever have. Not with her.

“I hate you, Cassian.”

“I hate you, too, Nes.” I let her go and took a step back. “With all of my heart.”


	8. Chapter 8

I did not need a cauldron made shackle to force me to care. To do the least of what Cassian had done for me. Whatever Rhysand and Feyre had was rare, it was worthy of envy- but it was not who Cassian and I were. I had no words for what this was, but I did not care nor did I need anyone to define it. And perhaps, some selfish part of me was glad to finally have a chance to be better for him. To barely scratch the surface of what he deserved. 

Cassian was fighting his sleep, looking at me while I tucked him into bed.

“You are an overgrown bat,” I said and he smiled.

“And what does that make you?”

“Stop talking,” I replied. “If your fever doesn’t get any better, I might just have to toss you in the bath.”

“Gonna scrub me down, Nes?”

I rolled my eyes.

“In your dreams.”

Cassian laughed and closed his eyes.

“Hm… I don’t think you want to know the kinds of dreams I have. I could put your favorite authors out of business with the things my mind comes up with.”

I blushed. “Shut up and go to sleep.”

His response was incoherent. I approached him carefully and brush a stray lock of hair from his face. It was cliché to think it, but Cassian looked younger in his sleep. Peaceful. I fixed his pillow before I left the room to put away the left-over stew that Pilar had brought us. There was a little metal tin full of tea leaves she suggested I make tonight. There was a balm of sorts to rub onto the chest but… I wasn’t going to do that. He could do it himself whenever he woke up.

I finished what was left of the morning’s tea, intent on finishing the book I’d read last night. Cassian had been right but I wasn’t going to tell him that. But then someone was knocking on the door and I knew who it was and I panicked. I had no idea what I looked like. I ran my fingers through my hair as I walked to the door.

My sisters’ smiles changed into shock when I answered the door.

“So I cut my hair… Come inside. It’s freezing,” I snapped and stood aside. My sisters walked into the house and I was actually surprised to see Elain dressed in Illyrian fighting leathers. She looked… different. Stronger. Happier. Feyre sported those wings of hers and I noticed she had a few scars on them I had not seen the last time I’d seen her.

“I wanted to come by and check on Cassian,” Feyre said. I noticed she was holding a basket.

“He’s asleep.” I looked at Elain, at the shadow that snaked around her wrist.

“You look good, Nesta,” Elain said when she saw where my gaze fell. “The shorter hair suits you.”

“I… Thank you.”

“Well, I brought some food to eat. Breakfast was far too light for the day we’ve had,” Feyre said, lifting the basket in emphasis.

“Sit, then.”

“Will you join us?”

I wanted to say no. I wanted them to leave and leave me alone with Cassian. But the hope in Elain’s eyes unnerved me. Made me feel just as bad as Cassian’s affection despite my venomous behavior. So I relented.

A selfish part of me sat in Cassian’s chair after I held my chair out for Elain. Feyre busied herself with setting the food out onto the table; she’d even brought her own plates. The two discussed fighting techniques and how they hoped to improve them while I focused my attention on the sleeping Illyrian who was coughing again. _Illyrians don’t get sick_. I rolled my eyes and pushed my seat back.

“I’ll be right back,” I said and went to the kitchen. I grabbed what I needed from the bag Pilar had left and walked to Cassian’s room. He’d kicked off his blanket and was sprawled out on the bed. It would be too easy to just slip my hand under his shirt and pass the balm over his skin… But the idea of doing so without his knowledge did not sit well with me.

“Cas,” I whispered and gently pushed against his arm.

“Hm?” His brows furrowed.

“Can you wake up?”

”I can’t… I can’t fly anymore… I don’t want to. She’s gone-”

“_Cassian_.”

He opened his eyes and for a moment looked rather disoriented. Then his eyes met mine and he smiled.

“Nesta.” He sounded so relieved. “You came back.”

I blushed. Was he still dreaming?

“Yes. Of course, I did… I need to put this on,” I said and waved the tin out at him.

“Do whatever you want, sweetheart. I told them you would come back.” He closed his eyes and soon enough, he was asleep again. I twisted the lid off and set it aside. The smell wasn’t unpleasant but it was strong. Like eucalyptus almost. I dipped my fingers in it and sat down beside him. I slipped my hand under his shirt and rubbed the balm across his chest, keeping my eyes on him just in case he woke up. His skin was on fire but my mind was traitorous and all I could think of was the fact that I could trace over his tattoos without looking at them.

The sound of my sisters laughing brought me from my thoughts. Quickly I retracted my hand and adjusted his shirt before tucking him in properly. He smiled in his sleep and it felt like he’d taken hold of my heart-

“We were just talking about Solstice,” Feyre said as I joined them at the table. “I’ve finished all my shopping although I might shop around here.”

“Do you think you’ll celebrate this year?” Elain asked tentatively. I considered her for a moment before I ran my fingers through my hair.

“I haven’t thought about it.”

“If Cassian is still sick… We should celebrate here,” Elain offered and quickly amended. “At the house. Their house. Not _here_.”

I shrugged. It made little difference where they spent their time. This was Cassian’s house after all. If he wanted them here, who was I to tell him no? But I knew if I expressed any kind of discomfort, the brute would send them all away. I didn’t know how to feel… especially after that display of possessiveness- no. There was nothing possessive in the way Cassian had reacted towards Rhysand’s goading. If anything… it felt as though he’d been defending me in a way. I knew Rhys would never truly harm me- he was a nuisance and an asshole… And knew exactly what he was doing in teasing me. But he had no business trying to rush Cassian or myself into… We were not Rhys and Feyre.

“Nes?”

“Hm?”

My sisters were looking at me rather quizzically.

“What?”

“Are you alright?” Elain asked.

”Why wouldn’t I be?”

She laughed nervously. They both looked as though they’d seen a ghost.

“You… You left us there for a moment. You looked a little… tense.”

Tense? I unclenched my jaw and uncrossed my arms. Then Feyre and Elain looked away and Feyre nearly leapt from her chair.

“You’re awake!”

I looked to find Cassian standing in the hallway, smiling weakly as Feyre went to embrace him. My heart did leaps in my chest when his eyes met mine. But he returned Feyre’s embrace and gave her his attention.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. The raspiness of his voice was… Damn him. Damn him to hell. And it was as though he knew my thoughts and gave me a crooked grin.

“Checking in on you, of course,” Feyre replied. “Elain and I oversaw some training this morning. We’ll go back in a bit.”

Elain walked over and gave Cassian a hug.

“They’re incredible, Cas. You’ve trained them well.”

Cassian beamed at her and then hid his face in the crook of his arm and began to cough.

“You should go back to bed,” Elain said with worry but Cassian shook his head. He looked at me again and once our eyes met, I got to my feet.

“Come sit,” I said to him and took his hand. I led him to the window seat and together we sat down and I let him go to put my blanket over his lap. There was a lazy smile on his face, and I had the feeling he was going to fall asleep again. He slouched in his seat, his thigh touching mine. We’d been closer than this but with my sisters watching it wasn’t the same.

“So, we were telling Nesta that if you aren’t better by Solstice, we’ll come celebrate here at the house,” Elain said cheerfully. She took a seat on the sofa. I noticed then the weapons strapped to her thigh. She looked so comfortable that I could have believed she had been training like a warrior all her life.

“I doubt it will come to that.” Cassian put an arm on the back of the window seat, and I knew if I leaned back, his hand would come to rest on my shoulder. “I’ll be just fine.”

Elain smiled at him before her gaze fell on me.

“I have no doubt… When I was little, Nesta would stay up all night long when I was ill. Remember that time I caught the winter fever? Oh, I thought I’d die before Solstice.”

“You were more concerned with the presents under the tree than the fact that you were deathly ill.” I smirked.

“Why don’t I remember this?” Feyre asked.

“You had gripe,” I answered before I could stop myself. “Served you right for trying to skate across the ice.”

My heart felt as though it was going to break by the surprise on their faces. Surprise that became relief. Affection. How could they be so… easy with me? I didn’t understand it. I had been so cruel to them both. Especially Feyre- and there she was, smiling at me as though I deserved such adoration.

I remained quiet as Elain and Feyre began to tell Cassian of one Winter Solstice where they’d snuck out to ride the sleigh down a hill. I remembered that vividly. But what struck me the most was how easy it was for my sisters to talk to one another. We had never had that- even before. I had no right to any envy towards them- it was no one’s fault but my own. I had denied them this, denied myself the intimacy they now shared. They weren’t just sisters- Elain and Feyre were friends.

“Well. Maybe we’ll stop by for dinner,” Feyre said as she got to her feet. “We’re going to work on weapons for the rest of the day. Elain is going to work on her archery.”

Archery?

“We’ll bring you some wood for the hearth,” Feyre began but Cassian stopped her.

“I appreciate it, but we’ll be alright.”

“If not for the oven, this house would be an ice box,” she countered. There was a sick roiling in my gut at the thought of a fire being lit. But if Cassian became sicker? What then? I couldn’t put him out of his own house because of my irrational fears.

“It’s fine,” I managed to say. “I’ll take care of it.”

Feyre eyed me warily before giving a shrug.

“If you change your mind, let me know,” she said and tapped two fingers against her temple. “Lucien will be here for dinner.”

The love and sheer joy in her smile at the thought of her husband made me want to disappear. It wasn’t enough that she loved Rhysand so freely and without any reservation. She loved Lucien just as much and I had been sick with envy because of it.

My sisters approached us and when Cassian stood up, I followed suit. He set the blanket down as Feyre made to embrace him. Elain came to my side and reached out to brush a strand of hair behind my ear.

“I am very happy to have seen you,” she said softly. An invisible hand took hold of my heart and I could not speak. I breathed in sharply when she embraced me and it wasn’t until she was going to pull away that I remembered how to move. How to breathe. I returned her embrace and stepped away when we parted.

“As am I,” I said and felt my cheeks and the tips of my ears get hot.

Feyre kissed both sides of my face before she took my hands in hers. She said nothing, merely giving me a smile before she winked at me. I walked them to the door and watched Feyre stretch out her wings to take flight. But when Elain simply _walked through shadow_, I closed the door and locked it shut. When had she learned that? How long had she been able to-

“Nes.”

I looked to find Cassian sitting down once more and holding out his hand to me. I walked towards him and took his hand, allowing him to guide me to sit beside him.

“How are you feeling?” I asked him. Why did I want to cry so badly?

“Like my lungs have been scraped.” He chuckled. “How are _you_ feeling?”

“I…” How _was_ I feeling? “That was unexpected.”

“I can tell them not come by later,” he said softly.

“No… This is your house. I can… I can handle it.”

He laced his fingers with mine and brush his thumb across my palm.

“This is your house, too, Nes. You live here.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that but I took comfort in the fact that I knew I did not have to. I did not have to do anything with Cassian but _be_.

“Where will you spend Solstice?” I asked him. The question seemed to take him by surprise.

“I haven’t really thought about that.”

“Truly?”

“Will you celebrate?” he asked me. I had no answer so I shrugged.

“There are far more pressing matters than frivolous holidays.”

“Is that so?” He was smiling again.

“You getting better. That’s more important.”

I wouldn’t say his smile faded as much as it changed into something less amused and more soft.

“What happened before?” he asked. “I woke up because I felt you… But it was like… a shadow but heavier?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Did something upset you?”

When he woke up… I had been thinking about Rhys and his meddling. And of Cassian. What we were.

“I did not appreciate Rhysand sticking his nose where it does not belong. Am I so terrible that no one believes that I-” I blushed.

“That you what?”

I wanted to look away but the hope in his eyes kept me still.

“I care for you. And I do not need anyone telling me how to express that.”

“Rhys is… I’m sorry.”

I shook my head. “It’s not your fault. I know he was without malintent but it unnerved me all the same. I would ask how Feyre suffers him every day but she is no better than he is. Lucien must live in perpetual exasperation.”

Cassian laughed. He laughed until he started coughing again.

“Alright. Let’s get you back to bed. I’ll prepare you some more tea.”

“I don’t want to be in bed.” Cassian sounded like a child. “I need to stretch my wings.”

I rolled my eyes and waved my hand towards the living room with a flourish.

“You’re not going outside.”

“Alright, alright,” he said and got to his feet. He walked to the middle of the room and as he stretched his arms up, his wings extended out as far as they could. His shirt rode up enough to show skin and I averted my gaze which was pointless with the sounds he made.

“You alright there?” he asked teasingly. “You look a little flushed. Maybe you’re getting a fever… I know how we could sweat it out.”

“Shut up, Cassian.”

“So you’re not saying no.”

I looked at him finally and was surprised to see the blush on his cheeks but remembered it was just a fever. I would not entertain any other possibility.

“Even if I said yes, you are in no condition to do anything but lay there.”

The shock on his face was worth the embarrassment. He folded his wings behind him and watched me walk towards him but I did not stop. He seemed to remember his voice when I made it to the hallway.

“You’d be surprised what I can do just _lying there_.”

I couldn’t believe how much restraint it took not to respond in kind. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am *almost* embarrassed at how hard it was to write this. I couldn't decide if to go the angsty route or just let these dummies be happy for once. A lovely friend of mine on tumblr helped me figure that out lol I haven't written anything like this since that one chapter in where there are shadows so DONT JUDGE ME TOO HARSHLY OK. lol this is saucy, idk if its NSFW considering how much more nsfw where there are shadows was when it was nsfw. anyway. tumblr has links to a few songs I was listening to writing this. further proof that my mind is a hot mess.

**Cassian**

Something was wrong with Nesta. It roused me from sleep, whatever that was. Her power, that something other that now called to me. To that part of me that reigned in battle. That demanded blood. It was stronger than it had been this morning; she had been angry. Low on patience. But this… this was fear. I pushed myself up and got out of bed. I blinked when I stepped into the hallway to find it illuminated by candle light… No, candles did not burn this bright. 

And then I heard it, the sound of wood crackling in a fire. I couldn’t smell anything, but that sound was unmistakable. I walked as fast I could to find Nesta kneeling before the blazing hearth with her arms wrapped around herself. I saw the snow melting at the door, the imprint of her boots trailing after her. Her boots and coat were thrown on the floor some paces away, still covered in snow.

“Nesta…”

She turned to face me with tears in her eyes.

“It’s too cold,” she said with a sniffle. “You’ll get worse and I know Rhys will take you home but…”

She shook her head and looked back at the hearth. I went to sit beside her, unable to find relief in the warmth the fire brought. Not when it was costing her peace.

“Rhys isn’t taking me anywhere,” I said roughly. My voice sounded like fucking gravel.

Nesta wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. The tips of her fingers were black, as though she’d been playing with soot. She wiped her hands against her thighs and breathed in deep and as she exhaled, I watched that color slightly fade.

“I broke the ax- I didn’t mean to,” she said with a nervous laugh. “I was so frustrated, I cursed the damn ax and the tree, too… And then… It rotted wherever I touched.”

I looked at the logs of wood stacked against the wall. They weren’t rotted.

“I called it back… But I couldn’t put it back together… It hurt too much.”

I shifted closer to her and put my hand over hers. For once, I was at a loss for words, but Nesta didn’t seem to mind. She looked up at me, tears still staining her face. I leaned in and pressed a kiss to her cheek, tasting the salt of her tears. I did it again, and when I pulled back, she was staring at me wide eyed. She didn’t look away, even when I took both her hands and brought them up to kiss. I watched that color fade completely from her fingertips as a blush blossomed across her cheeks.

“It doesn’t scare you?” she whispered.

I raised a brow as I set our joined hands on my lap.

“You saw me… in the war. What I am, what I become. Does that scare you?”

She shook her head.

“I’ve never been afraid of you, Cassian.”

I _knew_ that, but to hear her say it…

“Whatever this is, it’s part of you, Nesta… it calls to me. And I cannot fear my own heart and soul.”

Nesta’s eyes welled with tears once more and my heart broke at the sight. More so when she let go of my hands. But then she shifted closer, placing her hands on my shoulders. I froze as she climbed onto my lap. She placed a hand on my cheek, those eyes searching mine before she kissed me. She kissed me and that thing, that _tether_ between us yawned to life.

“Cassian… please,” she whispered.

“Why?”

“Because you silenced the dying for now,” she replied. “All I hear is fire… Nothing more.”

I forgot how to breathe and Nesta kissed me again. I wrapped my arms around her waist and returned her kiss, hearing her heart race as fast as mine. There was no desperation, no threat of death looming over our heads. I could cherish the way her hands wound their way into my hair, the way she pressed herself up against me, as if she couldn’t get closer. I couldn’t believe it, truly, that I was kissing Nesta Archeron, tasting the sweetness of her lips. The warmth of her was greater than the fire that blazed before us- she stoked the fires of my heart and soul, as she always had.

I fought down a shiver when she brushed her fingers over my wings but she did it again and I couldn’t stop the sound that escaped my lips. Nesta smiled at this before bringing her hands to the hem of my shirt. She tried to pull up and quickly let go to reach behind me. I laughed as she ran her hands over my back until she found the stupid buttons that allowed me to put the shirt over my wings. Once my shirt was thrown off to the side, Nesta wasted no time in pulling off her own sweater… She laughed when I realized she wasn’t wearing anything underneath. I brought my hands to her waist, feeling her skin prickle beneath my touch.

“You’re so beautiful,” I said. “You always are… but this…”

Nesta blushed and swatted my arm.

“Cut it out,” she breathed and let out a sigh when I cupped her breasts. Mother above- She put her hands over mine and began to roll her hips, her eyes never leaving mine. It would have been ridiculous how quickly I was already hard and aching for her had it not felt so fucking good to have her moving on me. She guided my hands down to her sides before she pushed me onto my back.

“Your wings…” she said and I grinned.

“Like I said, you’d be surprised how much I can do just lying there.”

Nesta laughed and leaned forward to kiss me. I brought an arm around her and moved so that she was on her back and I hovered over her. She looked at me with a soft smile before her gaze fell on my wings.

“And here I thought my sister was just being exaggerated as always,” she muttered before she looked at me once more.

“Do I want to know?”

Nesta laughed at this and shook her head.

“What happened to you just _lying there_?” she asked mockingly. I pushed myself up so that I was kneeling between her legs. I reached for the band of her leggings and grinned.

“It’s just easier this way,” I said as I tugged them down. “But if you want me to stay on my back all night, just say the word.”

She rolled her eyes but lifted her hips as I pulled her leggings down. She playfully pushed me back with her foot against my chest as I pulled away her socks- which were actually mine. I looked down at her, at the way she smiled, at the way her chest rose as she breathed. The way the fire cast her naked body in a warm glow. My pants were getting uncomfortably tight as I looked at the apex of her thighs and I groaned when she parted her legs just enough-

I moved so that I hovered over her and kissed her softly before I kissed her neck. I trailed kisses across her collar bone, between her breasts. I moved down and brought her legs over my shoulders. I looked up at her to find her propped up on her elbows. I raised a brow in silent question and her answering smile was all I needed.

Nesta inhaled sharply at the first stroke of my tongue. I took my time, wanting to learn what made her writhe, what made her moan. And mother above the fucking sounds she made. The soft sighs, the whimpering- the way she said my name and pulled on my hair…

She came with a muffled cry, and I looked up to find her biting down on her bottom lip. I was content to continue worshiping her with my tongue, but Nesta tugged on my hair until I looked up. “Hm?” She was propped up on her elbows, panting. And then, Nesta giggled, bringing both hands to cover her flushed face as she lay flat on her back.

“No more, Cassian,” she managed to say between laughter.

Carefully, I disentangled myself from her still trembling legs and moved up, placing my hands on either side of her. I leaned on one arm to wipe my mouth with the back of my other hand before I kissed her.

“Cas,” she breathed out. “You missed a spot.”

Her voice was breathless as she came down from her high, from that fit of laughter I’d never dreamed I’d hear from her. “Here,” she whispered, licking my bottom lip. “And here.” Down the sides of my mouth and chin. Then my jaw and neck. She reached down and hooked her fingers in the band of my pants. I helped her pulled them down and kicked them away. I paused once I was settled between her legs, needing to be sure that this was what she truly wanted. There was a softness in her gaze as she reached up and touched my face.

“I know you’d never hurt me,” she whispered. “And I want this… I want you.”

“Are you sure? You say the word, and it stops.”

“I trust you, Cassian.”

“I…” I was at a loss for words. Nesta brushed her fingers across my cheek as she smiled softly.

“Don’t say anything,” she said. “Show me.”

The kiss we shared muffled our moans at the first thrust into her. Her hands gripped my arms and I stilled, pushing myself up to look at her.

“Are you alright?” I whispered.

“Mhm.” Nesta ran her hands up and down my arms, as if to comfort _me_. I kissed her for it and she beamed at me. “More than alright, Cas.”

_Cas_.

I wasn’t sure how many more surprises my heart could withstand- this woman was going to be the death of me.

But not until she was satisfied.

I kept my pace slow at first, relishing in the feel of her beneath me. Of being inside her. Gods, if I died tonight, I would go happily. Nesta moved her hips in time with mine, digging her nails into my skin so hard I knew she’d leave marks. I didn’t care- I wanted her to.

I ran a hand down her side, caressing her thigh before I held her leg against my hip. At this, Nesta brought her arms around my neck and kissed me roughly. Greedily. Then she reached for my wing and brushed two fingers across the membrane.

“_Nesta_…”

She nipped at my ear and gasped when I thrust into her harder.

“Again,” she breathed out and I happily obliged her.

I kept at a steady rhythm, Nesta’s breathing going ragged. This was torture, maintaining that pace while she touched my wings. I wasn’t going to last long this way, and she laughed when I said as much which only made it worse with how she tightened around me.

So I let go of her leg and brought my hand down between us and she stopped touching my wings almost immediately.

“_Cassian_.”

“Yeah, sweetheart?”

She let out a little whimper and held onto me a little tighter.

“Cas?”

“Hm?”

“Don’t stop.”

And I didn’t stop. Even after she came the second time, and the third and I found my own release. I held myself up, not wanting to collapse on her, but Nesta pulled me down against her and wrapped her arms around me.

After a while, Nesta started running her fingers through my hair and my eyes began to grow heavy.

“Hey, Nes?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you.”

I felt her tense. “What for?”

“Lighting that fire.” I yawned and nuzzled against her breasts. Nesta smacked my arm.

“Shut up, Cassian.”

My eyes were closed, but I knew that she was smiling.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I am literally pasting this from my tumblr post because i am not writing it again lol) 
> 
> So, I think the general consensus is we are all here for domestic nessian, sharing a bed nessian and finally FINALLY being together together. *wriggles brows suggestively*.   
But I also want to mention hypersexuality, and how that is still a thing people who have that deal with even in the most loving of relationships. Love doesn’t magically make things go away but at least having someone who will not take advantage of that makes it easier to deal with. Personally, I deal with hypersexuality AND touch aversion so that’s always fun. (it’s not. I hate it) So with Nesta, I don’t think it would be right to make everything magically better. Just easier to bear. Baby steps. Healing is not linear.

There was a part of me, however small, however distant, that told me this was wrong. That it would not last. That I was going to regret this. But the moment Cassian pressed his lips to mine, that ugly, hateful voice was silenced. I had not desired anything or anyone in so long, and it was as though he had lit a match and set fire to my veins. And I wanted to be consumed by it. But Cassian kissed me languorously, slowing me down, stoking the fire but not allowing it to burn me alive. He made me want to love every part of me he touched, made me want to believe that this body was actually worth something. 

We had barely slept, even after he carried me to bed. He showed me exactly what he could do just lying on his back and I hadn’t even known that anyone did things like that. And I wanted more of it. I wanted more of Cassian-

He pressed a soft kiss against my lips before closing his eyes.

“You’re going to sleep?” I asked. He had an arm around my shoulders and the other draped lazily over my waist.

“My eyes are heavy,” was his reply as his hands stopped their ministrations. I let out a sigh- I needed a cold shower. Badly.

I leaned over and kissed him, brushing his hair away from his face. Even in his sleep he was aware that I was leaving the bed and he tightened his hold on me.

“I’ll be right back,” I said softly and he mumbled incoherently before letting me go.

The cold shower did absolutely nothing. So I focused on breakfast, on opening the curtains on the windows and picking up our clothes off the sitting room floor. I blushed at the thought of the night before, of all we had done. I thought of tossing our clothes in the hamper, but decided to get properly dressed and bring them outside. I used the water pump to fill up the bucket and scrubbed down our clothes. The water was ice cold but at least it was a distraction. After rinsing and pressing the water out, I carried them inside to dry. There had been a time once where my sisters and I had tried to hide the mess of cakes we’d made in our bed and being so young, we’d hung the sheets out to dry on the line. They froze over to the point that when our mother discovered it, she was able to break the corners off.

I lit the hearth, all of my desire completely gone at the sound of the burning wood. But Cassian needed this and that was enough to silence my fears. I moved the chairs so that they were right before the hearth and draped our clothes over them.

Cassian was still asleep when I went back to the room. I adjusted his pillow and covered his bare chest with the blankets. I winced at the marks I’d left on him but I imagined I looked no different. There was a slightly tender spot on my neck, and if there was a mark there, it was hidden behind the scarf I wore.

I put Cassian’s clean fighting leathers in the closet and put the kettle on for tea. I was torn between going to see Emerie for a bit and staying here just in case he woke up and needed me.

The thought of anyone needing me was… it was enough for me to stay. I climbed back into bed with a book and smiled when he inched closer to me and put his arm over my lap. I wanted to touch the wing curled over my legs but knew that he would wake up and I’d be exactly where I was this morning.

*

I was not surprised, but still annoyed, when I heard someone knock at the front door. I knew who it was and debated on ignoring him, but if he woke Cassian up, I would do something that Cassian nor my sister would ever forgive me for. So I left the bed, careful not to wake him and went to answer the door.

“What do you want?” I asked. Rhysand had his hands in his pockets and made to come inside but stopped.

“How is he?”

“Asleep. And I want to keep it that way.”

He considered me for a moment.

“Walk with me?”

I scowled.

“Do I have a choice, High Lord?”

“You always have a choice, Nesta. If you wish for me to leave, I will go.”

I looked back as if I could see him from where I stood. He was sleeping soundly. I sighed.

“Wait here.”

I shut the door in his face and put on my hat and coat. The gloves. He was still standing there when I opened the door.

“Make this quick,” I said and closed the front door. We walked with a healthy distance between us, not towards the town but towards the tree line. I had a growing suspicion that I was not going to like whatever he wished to speak to me about.

And of course, I was right.

“I was awakened late last night by darkness… As if death itself had come knocking on my door.”

I knew what he meant, and I was mortified. If he had felt it, had Feyre? Had the others?

“No,” he answered, much to my dismay. “Not even Azriel sensed it, though his shadows tried to tell him.”

“What of it, then?” There was no bite in my tone.

“What did you take from the cauldron, Nesta?” There was no accusation in his voice, nor was there any anger. Just… curiosity and something like concern.

“I… I don’t know.” I knew that was not a satisfactory answer but it was the truth. “I know only that I wanted to take what it had stolen from me, from Elain. And I wanted revenge- I wanted Hybern to suffer.”

“You died,” Rhysand mused, as though speaking only to himself. “You died and were remade with that desire to avenge your sister.”

“And that is not my fault.”

“I never said that it was, Nesta.”

“Then what do you care?”

“My brother is with you,” he said simply. “Should I not be concerned?”

“You think I would hurt him?”

When he didn’t answer, I merely gaped at him.

“Cassian is the only person who has ever….” I stopped, lowering my voice. “I would die before I harmed him.”

“And yet here you are, breathing.”

Though he spoke without any malice or discontent, tears burned my eyes because it was the truth.

“I _know_ that. I know that I was nothing short of a monster towards him. But I am trying, for him- I don’t care if you hate me or if you think I am not worthy of your brother. I know that I am not.”

“I do not hate you.”

“Then leave me alone! Or are you the only one who gets to be forgiven for all the monstrosities he’s committed?” I had never seen Rhysand look anything but smug and irritating. This… vulnerability, this shame on his face did not sit well with me.

“No… Forgive me, Nesta.”

I looked away from him, trying to still my racing heart. I wiped the tears from my eyes and hated that I could feel his gaze on me.

“Despite being abandoned and rejected at every turn, no one loves as fiercely as Cassian. I will apologize for the manner in which I’ve treated you, but not for worrying about him. He is my brother, even if blood does not tie us together. And I will always want to protect him just as you so fiercely protected Elain.”

“Don’t be an ass.”

“That was not meant to be an insult, Nesta. Up until now, the way you defended Elain had been your only saving grace in my eyes. Just as my being Feyre’s husband is the only reason why you tolerate my presence, and that is being generous.”

I scoffed, and when I looked at him, his expression was… kind.

“I’m still learning, Nesta, to be forgiving. And I want to- I would like for us to at least be… amicable. I cannot ask you to forgive my behavior so suddenly… But my love for Feyre and Cassian is greater than my pride.”

“At least we can agree on something.”

Rhysand actually smiled and I found myself blushing. What a prick.

“We should go back,” he said softly. “I don’t wish for him to wake up and worry.”

“If you continue to demonstrate common sense, I might finally understand how Feyre and Lucien can put up with you day in and day out.”

He said nothing but I saw the way he smirked.

Once the house came in to view, Rhys stopped suddenly.

“Nesta… If you wish, I would be happy to assist you in understanding your powers.”

“Understanding? I’m surprised you didn’t take that as a chance to speak of ‘controlling’ me.”

There he went, putting his hands in his pockets again. Was he nervous? Uncomfortable?

“I believe I know a thing or two about controlling a power no one else seems to have. Understanding is how we come to learn to coexist with it, rather than allowing it to consume us.”

He was serious and _that_ made me nervous.

“I’ll consider it.”

I was surprised when Rhysand didn’t follow me into the house. I stopped and found him standing on the porch.

“Lucien and Feyre should be awake by now,” he offered and I nodded. “Do tell Cassian I stopped by.”

“Of course.”

“And Nesta?”

“Hm?”

“Red suits you.”

Rhysand winked at me and walked away. I brought a hand to touch the red scarf I wore, utterly confused. But then I found myself thinking of Elain, of all the blue she seemed to wear… That was the closest thing to acceptance I would surely get from him for now… And I actually smiled, until he turned around and grinned. I flipped him off and went inside, slamming the door.

I winced, remembering that Cassian was asleep. I took off the coat and boots and hurried to the room. He was still asleep. I tossed my gloves onto the dresser before I touched the back of my hand to his forehead. No fever. I sighed with relief and as I stepped back, Cassian opened his eyes.

“Of course, I get my sense of smell back and all I smell is Rhysand.”

I laugh. “He’s intrusive, even when he is no longer present.”

“What did he want?” Cassian sat up and stretched.

“To check on you…” I sighed. “He knows. About my… power. I apparently woke him up with it last night.”

Cassian raised a brow.

“Did he offend you?”

“No! No… He actually apologized.”

Cassian looked surprised.

“It’s too early for this,” he said with a laugh.

“I have to agree.”

Cassian slid out of bed and the sight of his naked body had me blushing. I went into the dresser and found him a pair of smallclothes and pajamas.

“Here. I’ll get breakfast ready.”

Cassian smirked. “I know what I want to eat.”

“Get dressed,” I ordered, embarrassed at how much I already wanted to push him back in bed and indulge him. He closed what little space there was between us and just when I thought he’d kiss me, he nipped at my ear.

“I’d like to hear you use that tone on me later,” he whispered, and I bit down a shiver. Cassian breathed in and I knew I was as red as my scarf. “You smell as good as you taste.”

Cassian chuckled and walked out of the room, leaving me standing there torn between tackling him to the floor and actually going to start breakfast. I wisely chose the latter, because before I even made it far, Cassian came up behind me and bent me over the kitchen table. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of people didn’t like Rhys’s behavior in ACOFAS and that’s great if you’re one of them, but I am not. I wish someone in my life confronted my abusers and those who mistreated me and defended me. It doesn’t happen very often so let me live and let Rhys understand and try to do better just as we are all wanting Nesta to understand and do better. Capisce?


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Fluff ahead
> 
> I am a sap.

I had never been happier for Rhys to interrupt me than I was now. Devlon stopped talking as the High Lord stepped into the tent. Feyre and Elain walked in after him, the two rosy cheeked from training.

“My Lord,” Devlon said, bowing his head as Rhys took a seat at the table.

“Sorry to interrupt,” he said, though he was not. “But there are urgent matters I must discuss with the Lord Commander.”

That was his polite way of saying, fuck off. Devlon bowed his head at Rhys and then at Feyre before taking his leave. I leaned back and crossed my arms. If this was so important, where was Az?

“Keeping an eye on the training grounds,” Elain said and my eyes slid over to where she stood, picking at the frayed edges of her cloak. I noticed then, the sliver of shadows that snaked around my wrist. I shook it away and she giggled, calling it back to her. 

“Solstice,” Rhys said and placed a pretty silver envelope on the table.

“What about it?”

“Viviane is to be sworn in as High Lady of the Winter Court at sun down.”

“And?”

“We’ve been invited.”

I looked at Rhys then at Feyre.

“We?”

“All of us.” Two envelopes were slid towards me- one addressed to me and the other…

“They invited Nesta?” I said quietly.

Feyre shrugged. “Viv likes her.”

Viviane hardly knew her but… maybe Nesta would come? The thought of seeing her smile, to see the lights of Solstice reflect in those grey blue eyes… Rhys cleared his throat and I snarled which only amused him.

“I’ll talk to her about it.”

“Our plans for the morning don’t change,” Rhys added to my absolute relief. That was more important than any formal dinner.

“Is this the urgent matter?” I asked and he smirked.

“Partly.”

I raised a brow. Rhys looked up at Feyre, and once their silent conversation ended, she kissed him and walked over to me and kissed my cheek.

“See you later,” she said and Elain gave us a wave and followed after her sister. I felt it when Rhys put up a barrier, not even Feyre would be able to hear what we spoke of.

“Now you’re just making me nervous.”

Rhys sighed.

“We’re going to surprise Feyre,” he said. “After the ceremony… Lucien is in Winter now, going over the last details of the night.”

I kicked him under the table and he laughed.

“I thought this was- Don’t do that to me,” I said and coughed. I hit my chest and reached for the glass of water I’d barely touched throughout my meeting with Devlon.

“I’m sorry brother… But do you know how hard it is to keep secrets from her? Never mind that we’re mates.”

I sighed. There was not much that I would not do for Feyre. If this would make her happy, I would gladly help Rhys with it.

“So… Feyre’s birthday.”

“Here’s what I was thinking…”

*

The light from the hearth glowed through the windows as I neared the house. I laughed when Nesta opened the door before I’d even grabbed the key.

“You’re back,” she breathed out, as though she’d come running.

“Finally. I thought this day would never end.”

Nesta took my hands and pulled me into the house. I kicked the door shut as she got on her tip toes and kissed me. It was still something out of a dream to be received this way. To know that my presence was wanted.

“Go wash up,” she said and kissed me again. “Dinner is ready.”

I changed into warm clothes and walked back to find her setting the pot of stew on the table. I set the two silver envelopes next to my bowl and sat down, reaching for the bread.

“What’s that?” Nesta asked.

“Viviane is going to become High Lady of the Winter Court,” I replied. Nesta looked at me with a rather blank expression on her face and shrugged.

“How good for her.”

“They invited us to be there.”

“Us?”

I nodded and pushed both envelopes to her. Nesta set her spoon down and accepted them. She seemed surprised to see her name on one of them and opened it. The invitation was so thin I could see the blue ink on the back. The paper reminded me of ice frosted over.

“On Solstice? That’s Feyre’s birthday.”

“Rhys wants to surprise her afterwards. Viviane is helping Lucien with it.”

“She doesn’t mind sharing her evening with my sister?”

“It would seem she doesn’t.”

Nesta set the invitations down.

“Are you going to go?”

“I don’t know yet.”

We ate quietly, though I could tell that Nesta’s mind was elsewhere. When I reached out and put my hand over hers, Nesta smiled softly but remained silent. She left the table before she’d finished her dinner and came back with her tin of chocolate. She offered some to me and when I made to reach one, she swatted my hand away.

“Not that one.”

I grabbed it anyway and she gaped at me before laughing at the expression on my face. It was disgustingly bitter and whatever it was filled with was even more bitter than the outside. I chugged down my tea to get rid of the taste, Nesta still laughing.

“You enjoy that?” I asked and she snorted.

“Of course, I do,” she replied. “I just knew you’d dislike it.”

“That is grossly underestimating my feelings.”

“Here, take this one,” she said, still trying not to laugh. It was much better, filled with something not too sweet but familiar.

“Are there more?”

“For me, yes.”

Nesta smiled and closed the tin, pushing it out of my reach.

*

“You’re beautiful,” I said softly and Nesta rolled her eyes. I brushed her hair out of her face as she absentmindedly traced her fingers over my tattoo. “I’ll go get the mirror.”

Nesta giggled at that but then her smile faded. Her blush deepened and she wouldn’t meet my eye.

“Why would they want me there?” she asked quietly.

“Viviane likes you.”

Nesta scoffed.

“_I_ like you.”

“Yes, but I just had your-”

I silenced her with a kiss.

“And while that felt like heaven, that is not the point.”

“She hardly knows me.”

“You underestimate the impression you leave on others.”

“I know the kind of impression I leave…” Her fingers came to a stop right above my collar bone. “What would I even do there? I don’t trust myself to speak.”

“You could dance. I know I would like to dance with you.”

“Why?” she asked and her voice sounded like it would break at any moment. “The things I’ve said to you… The way I’ve treated you. How can you let me be this close to you?”

“I deserved it,” I said before I could stop myself and Nesta looked at me then, her eyes wide in disbelief.

“That is not true. How could you say that?”

I had no answer. For the first time since I’d come back to Illyria, there was anger on Nesta’s face. But when she spoke, it was not with disgust or vitriol. I was not at all prepared for the softness in which she spoke to me.

“You’re not worthless. That was cruel of me to say.”

“Nes…”

“You aren’t pathetic… I lied. All of it was a lie.”

My eyes were beginning to well with tears and it felt as though my heart was in my throat. 

“I was a coward and I hurt you for it. You didn’t deserve it. Not then, not now.” Nesta kissed me and it felt like I could breathe. “I’m so sorry, Cassian.”

I wrapped my arms around her and held her close to me. She pressed soft kisses to my cheek and ran her fingers through my hair. It was an overwhelming rush of affection that I felt and I could do nothing but cry.

“Cassian… I’m so sorry.”

I shook my head, unable to find my voice. She wiped away my tears, even as they continued to fall. Kissed them, I had done to her just days before. And there, I found the strength to speak once more.

“For as long as you allow me,” I said, “I want to be at your side… Every time I see you smile, it feels like I’ve come alive again. And you deserve that, to smile. To be happy. To dance freely and laugh.”

I kissed her. Once, twice. Once more because I could, because she allowed it.

“Cas…”

“All of the bullshit was worth it if it brought us here.”

“Cassian.”

Nesta looked into my eyes- she was crying too.

“I don’t have a dress,” she said and I raised a brow which made her laugh.

“Wait… You’ll go?”

“With you.”

“With me.”

“Yes, with you.”

“I’ll get you a dress.”

Nesta kissed me and shook her head.

“Don’t you worry about that,” she said. “I’ll manage.” 


	12. Chapter 12

“Well, I haven’t seen you in a few days,” Emerie said as I walked into the shop.

“I’ve been… busy.”

Emerie gave me a knowing smile. “I bet.”

I cleared my throat and approached her at the counter as she counted coins.

“I need your help,” I said and she gave me a nod in sign to continue. “I need a gown… and makeup. Shoes.”

“Getting all dolled up for Solstice?”

“The Lady of Winter is being sworn in as High Lady… and it is my sister’s birthday.”

Emerie smiled. “Winter, huh?”

“Believe me. I’m as surprised as you are.”

She slid the coins into a leather pouch and tied it to the belt on her waist.

“I know just where to go.”

I sighed with relief.

“Lock the front door. I’m taking an early lunch.”

*

I had not seen my own reflection in months. I stood before the mirror in the dressing room of the seamstress’s shop, in disbelief at what I saw. I’d gained some weight and there was slight color to my skin and my hair… I don’t understand how Cassian managed it. But I looked _pretty_. I blushed at the thought.

“Well?” Emerie asked, and I jumped.

“Hold on!”

I slid out of my clothes and tossed them on the floor before I pulled on the black gown first suggested to me.

“I hate it,” I deadpanned and Emerie laughed once I pulled the curtain aside.

“As do I. Try this one.”

The grey one didn’t work. Nor did the midnight blue. Emerie believed I would blend in with the palace if I went in white. I wanted to cry. Everything fit wrong. Too tight. Too big. Too sheer or too thick. It was almost enough for me to tell Cassian I was not going-

“This one,” I heard the seamstress say and Emerie gave a little gasp.

“This one… Definitely this one.”

She pulled the curtain enough to pass me a gown made of crush velvet and I knew that was it. This was the one.

*

Cassian was blushing as I watched him put on his fighting leathers. I didn’t hide my smile, as salacious as it was. I knew if I kept this up, he would miss his yearly tradition with his brothers. But I needed him gone before Emerie arrived.

“You sure you don’t mind?” he asked and I nodded.

“I’ll be fine.”

“We’re going to get dressed at the cabin, then we’ll come for you.”

I scrunched my nose up at that and he laughed.

“My brothers will be too concerned with your sisters to care about much else.”

“Thanks,” I said sarcastically and he sighed.

“I just mean that it’ll be fine. But the second you feel uncomfortable, we come home,” he said and my heart skipped at that. Home.

I didn’t correct him.

Instead, I slid out of bed, not bothering to cover myself with the blanket. I slapped his hand away from his wrist and buckled on his vambrace. I’d taken it off enough to know how to put it on again. I did not help with the daggers strapped to his thighs- we both knew that would only lead to him being late and if Rhysand showed up here and interrupted, no one was celebrating Solstice tonight.

Cassian still pinned me against the dresser to kiss me, to brush his calloused hands over my skin until we both felt the arrival of his brothers outside. He groaned, pressing his forehead to mine. I laughed and kissed him.

“For good luck,” I said. “Maybe you’ll break Azriel’s winning streak.”

Cassian grinned before kissing me once more.

“I wish I could say I would but the prick always wins.”

I shrugged. “Win or lose. Your prize is the same.”

I laughed as he begrudgingly left the room. I heard him step outside, their laughter. The boom of their wings as they took to the skies. With a sigh I left the room and headed right to the shower.

*

“I don’t know,” I said softly, rubbing my hands against my gown. Emerie tsked loudly.

“Stop it. You look incredible.”

“Are you sure?”

“I would ask you for a dance if I was some noble prick seeking the warmth of a beautiful female’s embrace in this fucking cold,” she teased. “Yes. I am sure.”

She was lying on my bed, the makeup and brushes scattered beside her. Her hair was over her shoulder and there was a lovely pink blush on her cheeks.

“I wish you were coming with me,” I admitted.

“Really?” That she seemed surprised made me feel terrible.

“Everyone else has their friends with them… Why shouldn’t we?”

She smiled brightly at this.

“Well… I am flattered, Archeron. But we did spend the day together… That counts.”

I smiled at her through the mirror. We’d baked cookies and drank hot chocolate all day long, wrapped what little gifts I’d found for my sisters. It had been the loveliest Solstice I’d had in ages.

Then she shrieked.

“Before I forget!” She climbed out of bed and reached into her leather satchel to retrieve a black box. “Here. It isn’t much but I saw it and thought of you.”

“What is it?” I asked as I accepted the box. I thought of Cassian, of the gift he had for me. That I had denied.

“Your Solstice gift, and before you say you didn’t get me anything, I didn’t spend the holiday alone… That is enough for me.”

We had both spent Solstice alone last year. She’d had no choice and I… I wasn’t going to do that to myself again.

I gasped at the glittering black pair of earrings inside. Black like the way she’d painted my nails the moment she’d arrived. Like the khol we’d taken turns putting on one another. My throat tightened and I cleared my throat, willing myself not to cry.

“Nesta?”

I blinked, refusing to ruin my eye makeup.

“I’m the worst friend. I have nothing to give you.”

She sighed and took the box from my hands. She put the earrings on for me and playfully tugged on the pointed ends of my ears.

“You’ve given me plenty, Nesta. More than you know.”

I wanted to ask what she meant but I heard three Illyrian brutes at the door.

“Go on,” she said and gave me a hug. “Enjoy yourself.”

“Emerie… Thank you.”

Together, we walked out of the room, Emerie clutching her satchel while I avoided tugging down on the sleeves of the gown. I saw Rhysand first, dressed immaculately in black as always. Az was wearing midnight blue and Cassian… His shirt was the same color of my gown, a deep blood red, buttoned up and tucked into black pants. Fitted pants. If the look in his eyes was enough to go on, we were both going to have a hard time keeping our hands off the other. Even Rhys and Az seemed surprised but whether it was my appearance or the fact that Emerie took hold of my hand and kissed my cheek- I wasn’t sure.

“Happy Solstice,” she said to them before she walked out the door.

Cassian was still staring. The neckline was deep, stopping right above my navel. It hugged what little curves I’d gained back but the skirt allowed me to move freely.

“Happy Solstice,” I managed to say. I blushed.

Cassian closed the space between us and made to take my hands, but stopped, looking me over once again.

“Nes… You…” I laughed and that seemed to relax him. “Sublime. You’re stunning, Nesta.”

“Thank you… you don’t look so bad yourself, Cassian.”

“You look lovely,” Rhysand said to which Azriel agreed. Nervously, I thanked them before looking at Cassian once more.

“So. Who won your little game?” I asked, needing them to stop looking at me as if they’d never seen me before. Perhaps, they never had.

“Azriel,” Rhysand muttered bitterly. “Like always.”

“Don’t be such a sore loser,” Azriel teased. “Maybe if you didn’t spend all your time away from Feyre thinking about her, you’d be a worthy opponent. At least Cassian was actually trying.”

“Bastard nearly took out my eye!” Rhys cried and Cassian turned and smacked his arm. I flinched at what Rhysand called him… but Cassian didn’t seem bothered by it. He merely laughed and reached for my hand.

“Come on. Let’s get out of here,” he said, ignoring the way both Azriel and Rhysand looked at our joined hands. I looked up at him and he met my gaze.

“I… I have gifts,” I said. “Should I bring them?”

Cassian looked at Rhysand and once he got over the surprise, he flashed me one of his irritating smiles.

“Hand them to me. I’ll make sure none of these nosy pricks get into them. Az included,” Rhysand said and I looked at Azriel who looked _bashful_.

*

Viviane looked resplendent in icy blue and white, blue and white winter roses crowned her hair. Kallias would replace that crown of flowers with one of ice, at least that’s what it looked like from where I sat. Feyre and Elain had made a fuss once I’d arrived at their guestroom in Kallias’s palace, taking me away from Cassian to ‘help them’ get ready. Feyre wore all gold, save for the black stones in her coronet and bracelets. Lucien wore both gold and black, matching his husband and wife the way all the other couples seemed to do. Except for Elain.

Elain, sitting with Azriel who had an arm around her, was wearing blush pink. Apparently, this gown had been part of some misunderstanding between her and Azriel, as was the shirt he wore now. I had no idea what she meant but they were so enamored with the other that I didn’t question it.

Of course, the only other person to be wearing red was Morrigan. We’d barely acknowledged one another but Cassian didn’t seem to notice. He had been beaming the moment Amren and I had greeted each other. It wasn’t warm, but it was not forced. Perhaps I could salvage what we’d had… perhaps we could start over.

The ceremony was beautiful. And short. The moment Kallias crowned Viviane, she pulled him in for a kiss, bringing all of the guests to laugh.

And the came Feyre’s birthday.

It was just like any other dinner with Rhysand’s Inner Circle… except it was louder. Grander. So many guests to honor Viviane and Feyre both. They were showered in gifts and song- the only High Ladies in Prythian, sitting together and looking for all the world like the sun and moon incarnate.

“I’m so glad you’re here,’ Viviane said as she approached my table. Cassian was with Varian and Cresseida, laughing at something Tarquin said.

“Thank you,” I said to her. “For inviting me… It was a lovely surprise.”

“Why of course! I regret not being able to visit… the last time we saw one another, everything was so… tense. Rebuilding since then has been time consuming to say the least.” She touched her hand to mine. She was so warm despite her icy appearance. “I hope to stay in touch. I’d like to be friends.”

I was taken aback by her sincerity so I nodded, returning her smile.

I went to get a drink and settled on water. I’d been offered every kind of spirit there was but… I was terrified. So water it was. I watched the others dance, found Lucien and Rhysand together while Feyre danced with who had been introduced to me as Helion’s sister.

I wasn’t at all surprised when Morrigan came to the table to get herself a glass of wine. Nor when she came to stand beside me. I followed her gaze to where Cassian was, tying his hair up as Varian told Kallias and Elain of the havoc Cassian had wreaked upon Adriata long ago. I smiled into my glass as Cassian laughed. Elain was blushing, covering her mouth with her hands. Cassian looked my way and smiled before clapping Varian on the back and began to tell his side of the story.

“I swear,” Morrigan said quietly, “If you break his heart-”

I looked at her and she was at once silent.

“I _have_ broken his heart,” I said just as quietly. “If he forgives me, that is not your concern.”

“Isn’t it?”

“He doesn’t belong to you.”

“So what, he belongs to you now?”

_Yes_, my heart wanted to say. But I only snorted.

“Cassian belongs to no one.”

She scoffed.

“Save your threats,” I warned and set down my glass. “For good or bad, he won’t spend five centuries questioning where he stands with me.”

I left Morrigan there and approached Cassian and the others. Elain took my hand and kissed me before running off to Azriel who had brought her a bouquet of winter roses.

“Having fun?” Cassian asked me and I saw him glance over to where Morrigan still stood.

“No,” I answered and took the glass from his hand. I didn’t drink it, even if I was tempted to, and set it aside. “But the night is young.”

He smiled. “Dance with me?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

*

Sitting on the sofa with Cassian, watching the others open their Solstice gifts, was harder than I thought it would be. No one made mention of the year before nor did they make a fuss when I handed Elain and Feyre their Solstice gifts. Emerie had helped me find something for them on such short notice. Simple gifts- what could I give them that they did not have already? But once, Feyre had made sure Elain and I both were well dressed. She had given us the best of everything. Perhaps I would never be able to repay her for it… but I could try. I was nervous to see how they reacted to the gowns I’d found; the lightest of lilacs for Elain and indigo for Feyre. I was relieved and overjoyed that they both ran to change into them, wearing them for the rest of the night. Viviane and Kallias, dressed down for bed, joined us with Solstice gifts for us all. I had thought the dressing gown and slippers were my gift, but I was surprised when Viviane handed me a large box with a gown in Winter Court fashion and a pair of boots to match. Rhysand and Feyre had gotten gifts for our hosts and it seemed even Cassian had no idea what they were.

Once Lucien and Rhysand dragged Feyre to their room, everyone else began to walk to their own bedrooms for the night. Viviane, not wanting to assume, had two separate rooms set up for Cassian and I. Perhaps it was the several drinks he’d had, or the fact that Morrigan was still lingering in the room, but Cassian threw an arm around me and gave Viviane a grin.

“We’ll take the one with the bigger bed,” he said to her and Viviane was all too happy to escort us there herself. Kallias looked ready to disappear but I saw the way he smiled at his wife once she was not looking at him.

Cassian threw himself on the bed once we were left alone, and I heard Viviane say something filthy to Kallias before calling for Morrigan to go pester her sister.

I closed the door and removed my shoes as Cassian stretched out, kicking his shoes off as his wings stretched out as far as he could. They hung over the bed slightly but as I approached the bed, he folded them back neatly and rolled onto his side.

“I might never leave this bed,” he said to me and I rolled my eyes. He put an arm over my lap and I placed my hand over his.

“Did you enjoy yourself?” I asked him.

“I did.”

“I did, too.”

“Yeah?”

“I think being here made it easier… for all of us.”

Cassian considered me for a moment.

“I think you’re right.” He sighed and then, “What did she say to you?”

I didn’t have to ask who he meant and turned to reached out and brush his hair from his face.

“She’s under the impression that I’ve laid some claim to you, as if you’re an object to be owned.”

He raised a brow and scoffed.

“You don’t belong to anyone, even if I was tempted to tell her otherwise.”

“Really?” He flashed me a cocky grin.

“Yes, really.”

“I wouldn’t have minded. If you did.”

“Perhaps I’ll go to her room and tell her then.”

This made him laugh and I let him go to get on my feet. He propped himself up on his elbows, the surprise on his face made me laugh.

“I wasn’t sure what to give you for Solstice,” I began and made my way back to the door. I locked it and turned around. I removed the earrings and set them down on the dresser. “I couldn’t stop thinking about last year. Of what you wanted, and what I denied you.”

“Nesta…”

I raised a brow and he was quickly silenced.

“I want you to know that you are more than just what we do behind closed doors,” I said as I walked towards the bed. “That fate, nor a cauldron or insufferable fae tradition cannot hold a candle to what we choose.”

“And what do you choose?” he asked quietly. He sat upright as I made it to the bed.

“You, Cassian.”

“Even knowing what we are?” He held out his hand to me and I accepted it.

“Even knowing what we are.”

He looked apprehensive as I sat before him.

“I know that we’re mates, Cassian.”

“You know that you never have to accept that.”

It broke my heart that there was fear in his eyes, as though he still expected to be rejected.

“And that is why I would accept it, if this is something you want.”

Tears welled in his eyes as he took my other hand in his.

“There’s no rush,” he managed to say and I laughed nervously.

“I know that.”

“Shit, Nesta,” he said and let out a sigh as he tried to keep the tears from falling. “That’s what you call a Solstice gift? How am I supposed to top that?”

I pulled him towards me and kissed him.

“Are you happy?” I asked him.

“Of course, I am.”

“Then that’s all I could ask for.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is short, but it felt unnecessary to make it longer for the sake of it being x amount of words/pages. I hope you've all been well!

Brushing a stray lock of hair away from Nesta’s face, I supposed I owed Rhys a few apologies. For all the shit I gave him where Feyre was concerned… I understood. But I wouldn’t tell him that, not yet anyway. The prick would only piss me off with that stupid smirk of his. And until Nesta felt it right to tell everyone, I was content. I was lying in bed with my mate beside me- Shit. How could two words take the breath from me and make it feel like I’d finally come up for air? And she knew. She knew and would accept it. Accept _me_. I breathed in and let it out slowly, still feeling tears burn my eyes. Had last night not been enough?

I could hear the others talking, hear Viviane asking them how they’d all slept. I sighed and closed my eyes, preferring to stay here until Nesta woke up… Until I smelled food. I reached for my leather cord to tie my hair and cursed inwardly. Nesta had untied my hair and tossed the cord somewhere but I couldn’t have been bothered with that in the moment, or the rest of the night. I sighed- she preferred it this like this anyway.

I slipped into pajamas and washed up, tucking Nesta in and kissing her cheek before I quietly left the room. I stood outside the door once it closed, making sure she remained sleeping before joining the others.

“Well, well, well,” Rhys said. “Look who finally decided to join us.”

“I’ll take my food and climb back into bed,” I said back, trying not to smile. “I’m fine with that.”

“Is Nesta still asleep?” Viviane asked sweetly, sneaking a muffin from Kallias’s plate. I gave her a nod and sat down beside Az and Elain. Elain gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“Is she alright?” she asked me quietly.

“Yeah,” I replied. “It was a long night.”

Elain blushed but gave me a bright smile.

“Good,” she said and reached over for her mug of hot chocolate.

“How is the birthday girl?” I asked Feyre, and she grinned from where she sat between Rhys and Lucien.

“Very, very happy.”

“I bet.”

Feyre seemed to be glowing. She looked towards the hallway and raised a brow and I gave her a nod, not realizing I was smiling until Elain poked my face. “Oh! Look at you with your dimples showing,” she said and Az snorted. I reached over and wacked the back of his head which only served to make him laugh. I simply sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

Mor was sitting beside Viviane, knees up to her chest. When our eyes met, I flashed her a grin. She reached into the pocket of her pajama pants and produced a leather cord and held it out to me. I shook my head and waved her off which surprised her. And everyone else, apparently.

“What?” I asked and everyone found something else to look at and talk.

My heart raced the moment I heard Nesta step out of the room. She smiled when she saw me but it faded slightly when she noticed all the attention was on her.

“Good morning,” she said quietly to everyone as I got to my feet. I walked towards her and held out my hand to her. And just like every morning, Nesta got on her tip toes and kissed me- remembering afterwards that we weren’t alone. The way she blushed made me want to kiss her again.

“There’s hot chocolate,” I said as I led her back to where I’d been sitting. Elain had moved onto Azriel’s lap to give room for Nesta to sit with us.

“Sleep well?” Viviane asked Nesta who nodded. “I’m taking Feyre and the others sledding later. Would you join us?”

I busied myself with pouring her a cup of hot chocolate.

“I think I’d like that,” Nesta replied.

When I handed her the cup, her eyes widened.

“Oh! I found it,” she said and held out her left hand to me. I lifted the sleeve of her robe to find the cord I usually tied my hair with. I knew it by the knots I’d tied.

“Where was it?”

“Under my dress.” Which had been on the floor.

“You have my thanks,” I said and she rolled her eyes. I pulled it off her wrist and handed her my plate before tying up my hair.

Breakfast continued on without issue, Nesta sitting through it all without a scowl. Later on, we walked hand in hand up the snowy hills with the others.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Rhysand in anything but fancy High Lord clothes,” Nesta mused. Rhys was up ahead with Kallias, the two talking amongst one another while Viviane, Feyre and Lucien casually made snowballs behind them. Once Feyre hit Rhys in the back of the head with a snowball, our sledding plans were delayed. It was like our yearly snowball fight but with our powers. No rules.

And I had Nesta with me.

“You are all a bunch of children,” she whispered. She looked behind me and grinned. “There’s Rhysand!”

Without looking, I threw snowballs in the direction she pointed and by the time Rhys ran over to find me, we were already gone.

Sledding went as expected. Viviane played around with the snow, making hills and steep inclines down to where everyone waited for their turn, or to watch us all bust our ass. Rhys and Az sat on the sled and I was practically standing, holding onto Az’s shoulders. It was on me to push the sled down the hill and get on before it got away which was easy. The ride down was exhilarating. But the landing? We hit a rock, hidden under the snow. Rhys threw up a shield to soften their fall, but the impact caused me to let go of Az and then I was in the air. It happened so fast, I didn’t realize I’d hit a tree and fallen onto the snow until Nesta was on me, calling my name.

“Cassian! Are you alright?”

I groaned, propping myself up on my elbows.

“Of course, sweetheart. Why wouldn’t I be?”

She shoved me back into the snow.

“You’re an ass!” she shrieked and I laughed, even after she threw snow in my face.

Viviane wanted to see the powers Feyre received from Kallias, and though he seemed apprehensive, he went along with it and before we knew it, he and Feyre were trying to outdo one another until he made it snow and walked off with a smirk.

We warmed up inside around a fire, and I was happy to see Nesta approaching Amren who was bundled up in her fur coat. The one that made her look like a marshmallow. I waited, watching until Nesta sat down with her.

“I was thinking we should all go back to the cabin,” Rhys said.

“Round two?” I asked and he chuckled.

“Maybe… But it would be nice. Finish off the holiday together. Lucien has never been and I want to bring him.”

He looked away and I saw where his gaze fell.

“I don’t know, Rhys.”

“Ask her anyway.”

“And if she says no?”

He shrugged. “Then we’ll try again another time.”

“Thank you,” I said quietly and Rhys looked at me with a brow raised. “For trying… I know it isn’t easy but… It means a lot to me that you would.”

“I… You have nothing to thank me for. No one should be applauded for being decent.”

“All the same.”

I looked over to where Feyre sat, Lucien on the floor in front of her as she braided his hair while Viviane made a crown of ice and put it on Kallias.

“We’re still celebrating her birthday at home, right?”

Rhys snorted. “Of course, we are. Kallias would ban me from his court if I did the things I wanted to.”

“You’re disgusting.”

He laughed and playfully shoved me.

“I’m only teasing… partly. You know how she is about her birthday. She thinks last night was it.”

Her eyes met mine and I grinned, making her roll her eyes. Movement to my right made me look away and I saw Amren and Nesta walking off together. I slouched in my seat and let out a sigh. Rhys put his hand on my shoulder before getting up to pester his husband and wife.

I wasn’t at all surprised when Mor came to sit next to me.

“I heard you busted your ass,” she said and I chuckled.

“You heard correctly.”

“At least it was a tree.”

“Hey, I resent that. Tarquin’s going to let me go back, you’ll see.”

Mor rolled her eyes at me.

“I look forward to going to the cabin tonight. You’ll be there, right?” she asked.

“Yeah. He wants me to ask Nesta to come with us.”

By the look on her face, Rhys had not mentioned that to her.

“What?” I asked and she shook her head.

“It’s nothing… I just wish he would tell me first.”

“So as long as Az and I are here, Keir is never going to see Velaris. You know that.”

“That’s not the point,” she said quietly. “It shouldn’t even be an option.”

“We’ve all had to swallow our pride to survive, Mor. And it isn’t easy for Rhys to make decisions like that.”

She scoffed. “I know that… It’s just. It’s my home, too. First Velaris and now this with the cabin-”

“What the fuck does that mean?” I asked a little too loud. Everyone looked our way.

“I just mean… that’s ours. Our family. No one else.”

“And what do you think she is to Feyre and Elain?” I asked.

“Just because you forgave her doesn’t mean anyone else did.”

I laughed and got to my feet. Rhys made to get up but I shook my head. _Just let me cool off, _I said to him and left the room. “Mor, leave him alone,” I heard Rhys say but I knew his cousin wouldn’t listen. I walked until I no longer recognized where the hell I was and only then did I stop and acknowledge that she’d followed me all the way here.

“What is your problem with her?”

“How can you ask me that? Look at how she’s treated you! How she’s treated Feyre!”

“We gave Elain a chance to make things right, Nesta shouldn’t be any different.”

“Elain didn’t abuse Azriel.”

“Elain didn’t exactly make Lucien’s life easier and you had no problem welcoming her into this family.”

“That’s different!”

“Why?” I stepped closer to her and she stood a little straighter. “Why is it different?”

When she said nothing, I let out an irritated sigh.

“Nesta is my family, and if you can’t accept that, then don’t expect to see me at the cabin.” I made to walk away but she spoke again.

“That’s not fair.”

“That’s not fair? You know what isn’t fair? You kept Az on a fucking leash all these years, knowing how he felt for you and doing nothing about it.”

“That has nothing to do with Nesta and Az forgave me for that.”

“Gods, Mor! For someone who has made sure I knew my place, that I knew I’d never have a chance to be more than the one who ‘ruined you’, you sound jealous.”

“_Jealous_?” Mor’s face twisted in a scowl. “I don’t-”

She stopped herself.

“Go on, say it. You don’t want me.”

“You know I don’t. But that’s not the point!”

“No?”

“I don’t want to lose you!” she cried out. “Everything keeps changing, everyone is moving on with their lives and I am stuck. I am stuck and you have been the only constant in my life.”

I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me, all of that rage snuffed out all too quickly.

“I’ve never had to pretend with you, Cassian, and if you’re gone, what do I have left?”

“I’m not leaving Velaris.”

She shook her head and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

“That’s not what I mean.”

Oh.

“Look, Mor… Just because we have new boundaries to respect, doesn’t mean our friendship is over. It’s going to be different, it has to be. Even if I’d never found Nesta, we couldn’t stay the way we were. You know that.”

She nodded.

“You’re not losing me.”

She let out a long sigh and looked away.

“I feel like such an idiot,” she said to herself.

“No one is perfect.”

A roll of her eyes and then, _If you two are done arguing, could you please come back here? We’re still only guests and our hosts are being far too gracious in your absence- make it stop._

“Prick,” Mor said under her breath and started walking back.

Nesta was back in the room when I walked in and I went to sit beside her. By the look on her face, by the look on everyone’s faces, I knew they’d heard it. Damn the High Fae and their stupid hearing.

“How much of that did you hear?” I asked quietly.

“All of it.”

“Shit.”

I leaned over, covering my face with my hands. She put her hand on my back and leaned into me.

“Amren and I… We spoke.”

I turned to look at her.

“What did she say?”

“That she’s glad that I’ve got an ass again.”

She smiled and I couldn’t help but laugh.


	14. Chapter 14

The cabin was cozy. And warm. Far too warm than I was used to, at least with clothes on anyway. Cassian had taken his sweater off and had his hair up, the buttons of his shirt undone and the sleeves rolled up. His cheeks were slightly pink, and I watched as he took another sip of the spiced drink given to us by Viviane before we left. I watched him brush his tongue over his bottom lip and then met his gaze when he caught me staring. He reached out and playfully flicked my nose before cupping my cheek and brushing his thumb over my lips.

“You’re drunk,” I said and he smiled.

“Maybe.”

I smirked and reached for his cup, Cassian letting me take it. It smelled far too sweet to my liking. He moved his hand to the junction of my neck and shoulder.

“Do you think you want to try it?” he asked softly and I shook my head. I didn’t trust myself enough. I gave it back to him and he downed it in one go. When he set the cup down on the little side table, his hand settled on the nape of my neck and he pulled me closer to kiss me. He was definitely drunk.

When he let me go, I felt dizzy and he was smiling like a damned fool. I couldn’t fight the stupid blush creeping up on my face when I realized how poorly a job the others were doing pretending they hadn’t noticed. But I settled closer next to him and he slid his arm around me as he asked Rhys for another drink.

Cassian was never one to drink his problems away, at least not around me. But I knew that what had happened between him and Mor hurt him more than he let on. He had not spoken a single word to her since they had come back to the room and he had taken me by the hand and walked right up to Lucien and asked him to winnow us here. Lucien was listening to Rhysand speak with a look of exasperation mixed with amusement while he absentmindedly twirled a stray lock of Feyre’s hair.

Azriel interrupted Rhysand’s story, making Elain laugh. I’d never seen her drunk before and it was just another reminder of all I’d missed. But I was here now, I reminded myself. She laughed until she snorted, bringing Azriel to look at her adoringly. Amren looked ready to fall asleep in Varian’s arms, the massive fur coat she wore draped over them both. Her grey eyes met mine and with a knowing smile, she gave me a slight nod of her head.

Apologizing to her had been just as hard as apologizing to Cassian. Harder, even. I hadn’t been sure she’d believe me or care, but she did… and that had surprised me more than anything. And I’d told her everything. Of my power. Of Cassian and Emerie. Of Rhysand apologizing and offering to help me, which seemed to surprise her more than Cassian being my mate. She’d known, apparently, and when I’d asked how, she’d leaned in and sniffed me, laughing at my mortification.

Cassian pressed another kiss to my cheek and got to his feet, following after Rhys. Feyre eyed her mate curiously but then looked my way. She got up and came to sit beside me.

“You know, this is the first time anyone has brought a significant other here? Well, besides Rhys.”

“Is this where you two…?”

Feyre’s eyes widened and she nodded, covering her mouth with her hands.

“No ceremony?” I asked.

“Well… we didn’t have the chance to but… everyone does it differently. I know Rhys would’ve made it the biggest mating ceremony in history if given the chance to do so.”

Because of the war. The war that ruined and changed so many things.

“How does one celebrate such a thing?”

“When we married Lucien,” Feyre said, looking over at her husband who was looking at her with such a dreamy expression, “We shared a pomegranate in front of everyone present. I offered it to them to honor the bond we made together.”

Feyre turned so that she sat facing me and lifted her shirt up.

“See this? It changed when we got married.”

“Do all mates get them?”

“I think it’s just an Illyrian thing.” She put her shirt down and looked back at Elain and Azriel before looking at me again.

“I have Azriel’s name tattooed on my back because of the promise I made to protect him.”

“Seriously?” I looked over at him and he was blushing at whatever Elain was whispering to him.

“He has mine, too!”

I coughed which only made her laugh. She laughed even more when Cassian and Rhys returned, carrying a cake. Smaller than the monstrosities I’d seen them have, but still extravagantly decorated. Feyre squeaked in surprise when a table appeared before us and they set the cake down as Lucien set the candles aflame.

“Nesta!” Elain called out and both Feyre and I looked at our sister who seemed hesitant. “You’re here… perhaps we could… sing her happy birthday? Like before?”

“Do you not sing?” I asked and was met with a chorus of ‘no’ and genuine confusion. Elain left Azriel’s side and joined Feyre and I, squeezing our younger sister between us on the small sofa. She cleared her throat and looked at Cassian.

“If you laugh at me, you’ll regret it,” she threatened to which he grinned and gave her a shameless wink.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

We took Feyre’s hands in ours and focusing on her, began to sing her happy birthday. It was such a simple, mundane thing. Such a mortal, human thing but… Feyre’s smile was worth the embarrassment, worth the momentary nostalgia of a life long lost.

Then Feyre got to her feet, and Elain and I joined her before she rolled her sleeves up and took up a fighting stance.

“Alright, split it evenly between you,” she said.

“Split what?” Cassian asked and then his jaw dropped when I punched Feyre’s arm.

“I wonder,” Feyre said when Elain hit her other arm, “What would happen if you celebrated birthdays as mortals do?”

Cassian rubbed his arm which made me laugh.

Eleven punches to both arms later, Feyre pulled us both in her arms, tears in her eyes as she laughed and thanked us both.

“Make a wish,” Elain said as Feyre leaned over the table. I took the liberty of rubbing her arm while she thought over her wish. She looked at me and then at Cassian before closing her eyes and blowing the candles.

Everyone clapped until Lucien smeared Feyre’s face with icing. She went after her husband, leaving Elain and I standing there. Elain smiled and held out her hand before pulling me into a hug.

We celebrated Feyre’s birthday late into dawn, and with only two bedrooms in the cabin, it seemed no one had thought of where we would all sleep. Amren and Varian had left, as had Mor- but she had been the first to leave, giving Feyre her gift before claiming she wanted to go before she was unable to safely winnow back home. Rhys had walked her out and come back with a smile plastered on his face.

“We’ll have to make this place bigger,” Cassian said as he walked into the living room with a pillow and blanket.

“What are you doing?” I asked him and he flashed me a smile. A sleepy smile that made me wish no one else was here.

“I always sleep here,” he said as he tossed the pillow on the sofa. Az tossed Elain over his shoulder and carried her off to one of the rooms. Feyre kissed me goodnight before dragging her husbands to another room, leaving me standing there while Cassian pulled off his shirt and tossed it.

“Five of you and never once did it occur to you that you’d need another room?” I asked and he chuckled.

“One room for us, another for the girls… But no one ever stays here at the same time. Rarely, anyway.”

He laid back on the sofa and with a stupid grin, waved me over. I sighed and rolled my eyes, pulling off my sweater and remaining in leggings and the little slip of a camisole I’d worn beneath.

“Am I supposed to be using you as a pillow?” I asked quietly.

“I was hoping you’d use me for something else but that works, too.”

I laughed. “They could walk in on us.”

“It would serve them right.”

“Let me guess,” I said as he pulled the blanket over us. “Rhysand and Feyre?”

“Elain and Az, too. But at least they were done and mostly clothed.”

“Why are you walking in their bedrooms?”

“Who said anything about bedrooms?”

“What! Where?”

“Training grounds.”

I laughed. “I… That doesn’t surprise me as much as it should.”

Cassian smiled, and while the mirth was still there, there was such affection in his expression that my heart felt like it would burst from my chest.

“Nes… Thank you. This has been the happiest Solstice of my life.”

“Stop it.”

“I know I’m mostly drunk,” he said and I raised a brow. “But I mean it. I’ve never been as happy as I am right now.”

I kissed him, surprising him, but he quickly recovered and kissed me back.

“I would dare to say the same, Cassian,” I said. “I’ve never been as happy as I am right now. With you.”

*

Elain’s arrow pierced the target, my sister moving onto the next as Feyre practically danced across the training grounds, the sound leaving a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. But they’d begged me to join them, even if all I did was watch. So here I was, dressed in fighting leathers, with a blade strapped to my thigh just like my sisters. Cassian and Azriel were sparring as were Lucien and Rhysand.

They took turns switching partners, encouraging one another and talking shit all the same. Cassian kept finding his way towards me, using the excuse of ‘practicing his shields’ to pull me in his arms and kiss me while one of his brothers put all their strength into pushing through that red shield to no avail. Not until he felt like paying them any attention.

Azriel used his shadows to step into Cassian’s space, the shield now worthless. Cassian was quick to defend himself but somehow ended up falling on his ass, his blade falling just a few feet away from where I stood.

“Hey!” Cassian complained. “The fuck was that for?”

“You’re being careless.”

Azriel helped Cassian to his feet.

“I’ll remember that the next time you start showing off to Elain,” Cas spat. The two continued to bicker, throwing insults back and forth. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing until I was kneeling down to pick up his blade from the ground. I rose to my feet, holding it out to Cassian now that he and Azriel were watching me.

“Do you… do you want to try?” Cassian asked and my immediate thought was to say no but the look on his face… Cassian seemed to carry enough hope for the both of us.

And I owed it to him, to myself, to try.

“It couldn’t hurt,” I replied and he grinned, shoving Azriel away before hurrying to my side.

“I’ll take that,” he said, taking the blade from my outstretched hand and sheathing it. He pressed a kiss to my cheek. “Let’s start with positioning.”

*

Emerie laughed, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m glad for once the gossip was true,” she said. “The Archeron witch, training like an Illyrian…”

“I don’t understand why anyone enjoys this.” I placed my hands on my stomach and let out a sigh. “Everything hurts.”

“It’ll get easier as the days go by.”

“He insists on waking me up before sunrise.”

“I would kill him.”

I laughed, making my sides hurt.

“I said as much and he…” I cleared my throat. Emerie wriggled her brows suggestively. “Shut up.”

“Was it good? It had to be good if it ended the argument.”

I smiled, my face going warm.

“If I had my way, I don’t think he’d ever leave the bed.”

Emerie cackled at this and playfully swatted my arm with her free hand. She moved from her side to lay on her stomach, grabbing a pillow to support her.

“Do you think you’ll be… more?”

I shrugged.

“He’s my mate,” I said quietly.

“Nesta!” she shrieked. “When did this happen?”

I rolled onto my side to face her.

“We’ve known for a long time…” I had been willing to die with him. “But nothing came of it.”

“Do you think you’ll accept?”

I nodded. “I just don’t know how… He’s so easy to please. Content with whatever scraps he’s given and I can’t- He deserves something more.”

Emerie reached out and twirled a stray lock of hair before brushing it out of my face.

“And what about you? How would you want it?”

“For myself?”

She nodded.

“I… I hadn’t thought about it.”

“Have you talked about it?”

“No. Just on Solstice, when I told him I would accept.”

“And nothing more?”

“Nothing more.”

“You two are hopeless!”

*

The sun was completely down by the time I made it to the house. I knew Cassian was home, but I kept quiet, listening for him. Once I knew where he was, I took off my boots and coat and went after him. I began to undress until I was naked when I opened the bathroom door. The hot steam was welcome compared to the cold of the house.

Cassian was in the tub, his sleepy gaze meeting mine.

“Good night?” he asked as I made my way to him.

“Yes. How was your day?”

He moved to take my hand and help me in. The water was near scalding but I preferred it that way. It was a far cry from the frozen hell that had been the cauldron.

“It was… taxing.”

I smirked and settled down on his lap, bringing my arms around his neck.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He shook his head and brushed his lips against mine.

“Not yet.”

“Hm.”

“What is it?”

“I want to talk to you about something.”

The flash of panic in his eyes was gone as quickly as it had appeared.

“Is something wrong?”

“No… It’s about us.”

That didn’t seem to make it better.

“What I mean is… When we accept our bond, I think I want a ceremony. Or a celebration of some kind.”

“Really?”

“Mhm.” I moved to straddle his lap and Cassian put his arms around me. “But you’ve never said what you wanted.”

“I want whatever you want.”

“You’ve lived five centuries, Cassian. Surely, you want something for yourself.”

“I only want you, Nesta,” he said and kissed me softly. “I don’t need anything else.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My daughter is sick again and my fibro is kicking my ass. This should've been up sooner so, again, i'm sorry for making you wait!! Hope you've all been well. 
> 
> If you're on tumblr, find me there (same name as here)! I'd love to talk to you guys xo


	15. Chapter 15

Until Nesta, I had never allowed myself the opportunity to think that I would ever have something as sacred as a mating bond. To even imagine the day my mate and I celebrated it with our family. But ever since she’d brought it up… I could think of nothing else.

“The bride wears white… usually,” Nesta said as I sat down on the floor in front of her. I handed her the comb and pressed a kiss to the inside of her thigh. She laughed.

“What else?” I asked.

“There are flowers everywhere and their fathers or a father figure of sorts will walk them down the aisle.”

“What aisle?” I turned to look back at her and she swatted my shoulder, forcing me to sit facing forward once more.

“The aisle between the pews at the churches, or temples. The groom awaits by the altar with the priest.”

“Oh.”

Nesta laughed and ran her fingers through my hair. She began to braid it, tightly, ensuring it would stay put while I was gone for the day.

“You know, I am sorry I missed their wedding,” Nesta said after a while. “I would’ve liked to see you walk my sister to Rhys…”

“Nes…”

“It’s no one’s fault but my own.”

She scowled when I turned back to look at her again.

“It doesn’t bother you?”

“That my sister had you fill in for our father? Or that she loves you so much that you were her only choice?”

She pursed her lips and I shrugged.

“It wouldn’t have been right if it was me… I’ve not earned that. You have.”

I offered her a small smile and she sighed.

“Let me finish, please.”

“Sorry.”

Nesta pulled on my hair tighter than necessary and laughed.

“All of the girls had their dream wedding,” she said and stopped braiding my hair at the crown of my head. I held up the leather cord. As she tied it, I grabbed another and held it out to her. “They planned it all out, even knowing their parents would have the final say. Another way to pass the time, I suppose.”

“What was yours?”

She scoffed and grabbed the second cord.

“I didn’t have one… Or maybe I did, before my mother died. But after that… I thought only of Elain.”

“What about now?”

Nesta made a messy bun from the hair she’d tied up and used the second cord to secure it.

“Do you like the Illyrian wedding traditions?” she asked. I leaned back and she wrapped her arms around my neck.

“I suppose.”

“Would you want that, then?”

The thought of Nesta in traditional Illyrian dress was a lovely thought. The thought of us getting married was the most audacious thought I’d had and yet… I wanted that. The realization hit me so hard it felt as though I’d been hit in the chest.

“Do I have to wear the vest?”

She laughed, bringing me to smile.

“If I am going to spend hours getting into that wedding dress, then I believe one vest is being generous.”

She kissed my cheek just as we heard Rhys and Az arrive outside.

“Can we talk about this more when you get back?”

“Of course,” I said and turned to kiss her properly. When I stood up, Nesta didn’t let go and she laughed as I carried her on my back towards the door.

“Do you have to go?” she asked.

“Unfortunately.”

She groaned. “Well. Thank you for indulging me.”

She passed a hand over the braid she’d done.

“Anything for you, sweetheart.”

I set her down on her feet and turned around to kiss her.

“Are you sure?” she asked rather sweetly.

“You can always come with me,” I replied just as sweet, and she playfully pushed me towards the door.

“It’s my rest day, I think not.”

Nesta let out an exasperated sigh when I let myself lean against her two hands up against my back.

“If you come with me, you’ll get strong enough to actually push me through the door.”

“Tempting,” she said flatly. “Now get out! The sooner you leave, the sooner you come home to me.”

*

To say I was distracted was an understatement. If I wasn’t training, if I wasn’t moving- I was thinking of Nesta. Of her calling the house ‘home’. Of us talking about a wedding when we’d barely even come to a decision on our mating bond ceremony she wanted, and truth be told, it was what I wanted, too. Nothing as grand as what Feyre did for Rhys and Lucien… but still something worthy of Nesta. She deserved the wedding of her dreams, whatever that meant to her, and I’d do anything to give it to her. And because she wanted me, accepted me- this bond… I could safely entertain the fact that I loved her.

I was _in love_ with Nesta Archeron.

“Cas!”

I blinked and realized I’d been staring at nothing, worrying a rock I’d picked up walking into the tent I was sitting in with Rhys and Azriel. I set the stupid rock on the table and cleared my throat.

“What?”

Az was trying not to laugh but Rhys looked mildly annoyed.

“What is the last thing you heard me say?” Rhys asked.

Fuck.

“You were agreeing with me meeting with Andras.”

“And then?”

Azriel snorted and Rhys cut him a glare that only made him burst into laughter until Rhys was laughing, too.

“I’m sorry,” I said and made to run my fingers through my hair but remembered it was braided on top.

“Troubles at home?” Rhys teased and I took the rock and threw it at him. It hit him in the shoulder and that only amused him more.

“No.”

“Trouble?” Az said. “He looks the way you did when you three were getting married. Cassian is absolutely lovesick.”

Rhys sobered at this and leaned a little forward, all of his attention on me.

“Marriage? Really?”

“No! I mean… Not yet. I don’t know, Rhys.”

Az leaned back in his chair, tipping it back and resting his feet on the table. I wanted to push him but he gave me a smirk that told me he already knew that.

“Are you thinking of proposing to her?”

I didn’t say anything but Rhys started to smile in that insufferable way of his and slammed a hand on the table, startling Az enough to nearly have him falling back.

“We’re going home,” Rhys declared, getting to his feet. “Now.”

“What? I can’t just go back to Velaris.”

He waved me off. “You can and you will. Now get off your ass.”

*

I’d faced death many times. Once, I’d faced death with Nesta and still, I had never felt fear like this. Every step closer to the house felt heavy. My stomach was in knots, which was unfortunate, because I could already smell dinner from one of the open windows. I took in a deep breath and let it out, forcing myself to walk up the steps and knock on the door.

“You’re early!” Nesta said as she answered and once she smiled, all of that worry faded away. I smiled back.

“Rhys sent me hunting,” I said with a grin and she rolled her eyes.

“Get anything good?” she asked as I walked inside. I took my boots off as she closed the door.

“I’d like to think so.”

She smirked and closed the little space between us.

“What are you up to?” I asked and she shrugged. And there it was, the ‘_I’m going to tease Cassian until he’s begging’_ pose. I was particularly fond of that pose.

“Go wash up,” she said. “Dinner is almost ready.”

I felt a slight panic when I thought she’d follow me but she disappeared in the kitchen. I sighed and went to the room.

Washed up and dressed down, I forced myself not to put my hands in my pockets. That was Rhysand’s tell.

Nesta was standing by the table when I walked out. She eyed me as I held out the chair for her and as I went to sit down.

“How was your day?” I asked and she shrugged.

“I helped Em with some errands.”

“Enjoy yourselves?”

“Very much,” she said in a way that only served to prove that she was up to something. It seemed the two of us had something up our sleeves- or pockets, in my case.

And like every night since returning from our Solstice celebrations, dinner went on as it usually did. I told her of my day while we ate. Nesta kept her dessert from me and I stole it from her anyway. Then I washed the dishes while she lingered around the kitchen.

“Hey, Nes?”

“Hm?”

_If you’re willing to accept the bond, would you marry me?_ I thought but couldn’t bring myself to ask. It felt as though I’d taken a hit to the gut and needed air.

“Do you mind if I open a window?”

She snorted.

“Be my guest.”

All too hastily, I leaned over the sink and opened the small window there. It didn’t help but it was a great excuse.

“Are you alright?” she asked. She came to stand beside me and placed a hand on my back.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

I knew that was the wrong thing to say by how quickly she tensed.

“Because you’re acting strange.”

I dropped the plate I was washing and she caught it before it shattered in the sink.

“Move,” she ordered and I stepped back. Nesta set the plate down and rinsed her hands, turning off the faucet. Then she turned around and looked me in the eye. Only Nesta could look menacing while drying her hands with a towel. She chucked the towel behind her and crossed her arms.

“What happened?”

“Nothing.”

Something crumbled in her expression and I cursed myself for not controlling my emptions better. But I’m not Az. I’m not Rhys-

“Is it because I was talking about weddings? I told you, Cas, there’s no rush.”

I didn’t like the fear in her eyes, as if she thought I was backing out.

“That’s the thing, Nes,” I began but her eyes widened and she made to walk away but I took her by the hand and stopped her. “It’s all I can think about and _I’m_ afraid that you’ll feel overwhelmed. Because that is the last thing I want to make you feel.”

She considered me for a moment, the tension in her body relaxing somewhat.

“Go on,” she said quietly.

“For the first time in my life, I’m letting myself think about all of this. Of accepting this bond, yes, but sometimes… well, all the time… I wonder if you’d want that. A wedding. A real one.”

“You… you’d want to get married?”

“To you, yes.”

She let out a sharp breath and put her free hand on her hip.

“What are you saying, Cassian?”

“I’m saying that I love you, Nesta,” I replied, reaching out to brush the tears that fell from her eyes.

“And you want to marry me?”

“Yes.”

“And you love me.”

“More than I thought was possible.”

She let out a nervous laugh and pulled out of my grasp.

“I hate you, Cassian,” she said without malice.

“Do you?”

There were tears in her eyes and a smile on her face and I wanted nothing more than to reach into my pocket and get down on one knee… But I had to hear her say it.

“Of course I don’t hate you, Cassian… It was just easier to say.”

“As opposed to?”

Nesta smiled at me and sighed, shaking her head. She looked away, wiping her eyes with the ends of her sleeve. Then, she took both of my hands and set them on her hips. She placed her own hands on my chest and looked up at me, a blush blossoming on her face.

“As opposed to the truth.” Tears welled in her eyes again but she didn’t look away. “I don’t hate you, I never have. I could never hate you because I love you, Cassian.”

I wasn’t sure who kissed who first, but we’d moved until Nesta was pinned against the counter. I had every intention of lifting her up on the counter until I slipped my hand under her sweater and felt something like lace.

“Oh,” Nesta said, “That.”

“What _is_ that?”

I stepped back as she pulled her sweater off, revealing a thing of lace that covered her midriff. I took another step back and realized it was actually a garter. With flowers made of red lace all around it. Those same red flowers were the only things barely covering her breasts. I had to remember how to breathe.

With a laugh, Nesta pulled down her pants and did away with her socks to reveal thigh high stockings. She kicked her clothes aside and turned, looking back at me with that same look she’d had when I first got home.

“Do you like it?” she asked as my gaze went south. I didn’t look away until she turned to face me fully. She was blushing furiously but that smile… gods, that smile… I closed the space between us and kissed her, loving the way she relaxed in my arms.

“I love you,” I said, feeling a little lighter. “Even if you planned on torturing me all night.”

“I had planned no such thing.”

“No?”

“You wouldn’t last the night before you started begging.”

I scoffed and lifted her up, throwing her over my shoulder.

“We’ll see about that,” I said and carried her to the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for makin yall wait!!! But it feels good to be writing again.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve missed you all. I don’t even know what this chapter is, only that it made me happy and I think we could use some happy during these trying, trifling times.

“Do you think he bought a ring?” Emerie asked as we stared at the ceiling.

“I’m not sure… He was a nervous wreck to even bring it up.”

She turned to look at me and smiled, playfully nudging me with her elbow.

“Marriage, huh?”

I smiled back.

“I feel… almost childish.”

“Why?”

“Because I only ever remember being this excited about anything when I was a child.”

“That’s… sad, Nesta Archeron.”

I scowled and she laughed, reaching out to grab chocolate from the tin somewhere beside her on the bed. She tossed it at me and I missed, making her laugh.

“We’ve got to find you a dress then.”

I sighed and grabbed the chocolate from my chest where it had fallen and bit into it.

“I just need to know how we’re doing it… By Illyrian tradition or whatever these damned High Fae do.”

Emerie snorted.

“Right.”

I smacked her arm.

“Shut up.”

“Ask your sister. She’s married, right? Three times over, I hear.”

“I’ll think about it.”

And I _had_ been thinking about it. Asking my sisters for help. But would I be welcome in Velaris again? We had not spoken of it. Besides, the only High Lady who requested my presence was-

I sat up suddenly, startling Emerie.

“I know who I can ask.”

Emerie sat up and adjusted her loose-fitting sweater. My bare feet hit the wood floors and I quickly hurried over to the dresser for paper and a pen.

“Is that a fading bruise on your ass?” Emerie asked and I looked back to find her smirking.

“Maybe,” I replied and opened the ink bottle. As I began to write, I heard Emerie moving around on the bed.

“Oh! You never did tell me how he liked that lovely red number.”

“Do I really have to?” I said with a smile.

“Yes,” she deadpanned.

I finished up the letter and blew on the ink before going back to the bed. I handed Emerie the letter as I sat down and lifted up the shirt I wore just enough to show my ribs.

“Well, then,” Emerie said and as she went over the letter, I told her every detail. I had never done this, I knew Feyre and Elain shared everything and I knew one day, we’d get there. But what I had with Emerie, I would never change it for anything.

I let myself fall back on the bed with a sigh.

“You’re so formal,” Emerie noted with a smirk but held the letter out to me. “But I think it’s perfect… Maybe Rhys can have it sent to her… if you’re wanting to surprise Cassian, that is.”

I groaned, remembering I needed to put pants on.

“Maybe,” was all I offered before she started to laugh.

“You better ask.”

I glared at her which only made her laugh more.

“This might even help you two be a little more friendly.”

“Stop being right,” I whined and forced myself to get up. “I need to get dressed.”

I settled for fighting leathers. Emerie mussed up my hair after I’d combed it back, leaving it a tousled mess.

“I like it better that way,” she said as she looked at herself in the mirror. I put the letter in an envelope and quickly sealed it with the Night Court sigil.

“It’ll only be an hour or two,” I reminded her and she shrugged.

“It’ll be fine. Besides, I’ll catch up on the books. We can finish them together when you get back.”

We both knew the moment Rhysand arrived and with a grimace, I kissed Emerie on the cheek before making my way outside. He wore fighting leathers as well and that stupid smirk of his.

“Rhysand,” I said by way of greeting.

“Nesta.”

He looked behind me, towards the house, no doubt scenting Emerie on me. But I said nothing, who Cassian and I welcomed into our home was no one else’s business. I held the letter against my chest and sighed.

“There is something I wish to speak to you about. Before we begin, I mean.”

“Certainly.” Rhys led us away from the house, towards the mountains.

“You know that Cassian and I are mates.”

Rhysand looked surprised.

“Well, then. Straight to the point.”

So he did know. Perfect.

“I want to honor that- honor him. But I don’t know how.”

I held out the letter to him and he accepted, seemingly more surprised at who I’d addressed it to.

“I want to surprise him and I can’t do that here.”

Rhysand chuckled. “No. You couldn’t.”

The letter disappeared and we continued on, falling into an almost comfortable silence. He had us stop near a lake, frozen thanks to the winter cold.

“This should do,” Rhysand said as if to himself. I said nothing, not knowing how to even begin. Not knowing what to ask. He went to sit on the rocky shore of the lake and motioned for me to join him. Still, he said nothing, resting his arm on his knee as he looked out at the frozen lake. The snow. I sat beside him and found myself picking at the pebbles and worrying them between my fingers.

“What do you think of Illyria?” Rhys asked at last. Not at all what I expected.

“I’ve made my peace with it.” He considered me for a moment and when I realized he expected me to elaborate, I sighed. “This is where Cassian calls home.”

“He calls Velaris home, too.”

I kept my gaze on lake.

“I am aware.”

“You don’t love Velaris.”

I couldn’t deny that.

“Velaris is yours. It’s Feyre’s and all of your little circle of friends.”

“It could be yours, too.”

I would never forget how it felt to have the whole of me wanting to obey his word. I’d never forget the way it felt to have my youngest sister sending me away. I had no one but myself to blame, I’d pushed Feyre too much. That did not lessen the sting.

“We did not handle that situation well,” he admitted. “We- I, was unnecessarily cruel.”

“You were protecting my sister.” My voice was quiet. “You were far more kind than I would be if anyone hurt Cassian so deeply.”

“If you believe that to be kind, I worry what cruelty truly means to you.”

I rolled my eyes. “You know what I mean.”

“How is your training coming along?” he asked next.

“I despise it,” I replied. “But it has its benefits.”

Rhysand chuckled. “Oh, I bet.”

I glared at him, but he was unfazed.

“Why do you despise it?”

I wasn’t sure why I felt so exposed then, but I simply shrugged and looked away.

“I prefer not to be pain,” I replied at first. The truth, but not all of it. Then I sighed. “It’s hard to hear that sound. To remember.”

“And yet you continue the training.”

“It makes him happy.” When I trained with the other females, Cassian did not treat me better than the others. He did not go easy on me. Even if I struggled, the pride Cassian had just because I was _trying_ was worth the trouble. And more than that- “I hear his heart beating and I know that we are here. He’s alive.”

My throat seemed to close. I had not even admitted that to Cassian.

Rhysand got to his feet and held out his hand to me.

“Where are we going?” I asked with a sniffle.

“Home.”

“What happened to my training?” I asked as I stood up, ignoring his outstretched hand.

“If we hope to understand what power you possess, if you hope for me to understand it- I need to understand you. And I cannot do so if I know nothing of you.”

I knew I was blushing.

“Do not fear,” Rhysand teased. “We will not become friends.”

“What a relief,” I sighed and started to walk back towards the house. “I was beginning to worry I’d have to… _care_ about you.”

“Perish the thought, Nesta Archeron.”

I fought the urge to shove him away.

*

Emerie and I were blushing as we read through the chapter together. The fae warrior and his princess, at long last alone. Uninterrupted. She and I leaned into one another, giggling like little girls.

“Is this supposed to be arousing?” Emerie muttered and laughed again.

“Read the next paragraph.”

“How did you get there so fast- Oh… Well, damn.”

We read the rest of the chapter in silence, matching blushes on our faces.

“Well, I could use a dip in the lake,” she said and I laughed.

“We have a shower, you know. And I assure you, the water is just as freezing.”

“And you can just wait for Cassian to get home…” Her voice trailed off before breaking into laughter.

“I’ll be sleeping when he gets here.”

“Shame. That was inspired.”

I snorted.

“Come on, there’s only a few more chapters left,” I said, and we sobered, leaning into one another again.

We read in silence until Emerie’s eyes grew heavy.

“Do you… want to stay the night? I’d hate for you to walk out in this cold.”

Emerie was surprised but gave me a smile.

“Really?”

I nodded, setting the book aside.

“You could stay here and we’ll have breakfast in the morning.”

Emerie yawned and threw an arm around my shoulder.

“I think, Nesta, that that is a wonderful idea.”

“Good, I’ll go get you some blankets.”

I gave her warm clothes to change into and found a pair of slippers I did not know I had. I set those at the foot of the bed while she got dressed. I fixed up the bed for her and blew out the candles, surprised by Emerie’s hug goodnight. She was snoring by the time I made it to Cassian’s room. I lit a candle there and grabbed another book I’d not finished yet before climbing into our bed.

I was so consumed with the book that I did not notice Cassian when he made it home. I started when he opened the door, holding the book to my chest. My heart was racing.

“Cas.” My voice came out breathless.

Cassian stepped into the room, looking at me curiously.

“Nesta.”

I cleared my throat and smiled.

“We lost track of time… I hope you don’t mind that I invited her to stay the night.”

Cassian shook his head and shut the door.

“Not at all.”

Cassian began to undo his vambraces and flashed me a grin.

“Like what you’re reading?” he asked and it felt like there was static in the air. With the one candle burning, his gaze was even darker… That grin was wicked. And what I was reading…

“Mhm.” I didn’t trust myself to speak. Emerie was in the other room. And as if knowing my thoughts, Cassian locked the door. Stepped out of his boots.

“What are you reading?”

I watched him make his way to the dresser, undressing as he looked at me through the mirror.

“Same book as all week.”

He raised a brow but said nothing more. I watched him undress, still holding that book to my chest. And then he was naked- the room felt far too warm. I made to set the book down, to pull off my sweater but Cassian called my name, turning to face me.

“Read to me.”

I breathed in sharply. “What?”

Damn him and that smile.

“I want you to read to me.”

“I’m mid-sentence.”

He shrugged. “Start there.”

Cassian climbed into bed, laying down on his side. He reached right over and pulled me so that I sat right beside him. He kept his arm over my lap.

“Go on.”

I set the book down and Cassian moved his arm so that his hand rested on my thigh.

“If you laugh at me, I’m sleeping in the other room.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

I rolled my eyes and looked at where I’d left off on the page. Gods, he wanted me to read this? I looked down to find him looking at me. Waiting. I looked back at the page and let out a sigh.

“I’m going to start the sentence over. It sounds stupid not to.”

Cassian made a noncommittal sound.

“With her hands behind her back, he bound her wrists,” I began, feeling Cassian go far too still at my side. My voice was uneven. “All the while, he held her gaze in the mirror. He brushed her hair over her shoulder and pressed the softest of kisses to her neck.”

Cassian began to move his hand up my thigh. I cleared my throat.

“And then he brought her to her knees, bending her over so that she was utterly bare to him. Utterly at his mercy, mercy she did not want.”

Cassian stopped touching me to tug on the band of my leggings and with an annoyed sigh, I let him pull them down and away. He began caressing my inner thigh as I continued reading. I barely recognized my voice, and I felt far too hot.

“Hold on,” I said and set the book down to pull my sweater off. Cassian chuckled but said nothing more. Because he was too busy shifting in bed, parting my legs to lay between them. On instinct, I slowly lay back, holding the book up to read.

“The prick was teasing her,” I continued, Cassian chuckling as he pressed a kiss to my thigh.

“Sure that’s part of the story?” Gods, his voice- I ignored him and kept on reading, even when he pulled down my underwear and did away with it.

“Her neck was going sore, but she didn’t care. Not when she was dripping wet, his fingers stroking her-” I let out a gasp when Cassian put his mouth on me. I did my best to keep reading, but it was getting hard to think.

“And finally, he… he…” I shut my eyes and bit down on my lower lip. We weren’t alone, I had to remind myself.

“Why’d you stop reading?” Cassian asked innocently.

“You think I want to keep reading about some fictional princess getting fucked senseless when you’re doing _that_!”

We both went still, listening. But the second I realized Emerie was still asleep, I tossed the book to the other side of the bed. I grabbed him by the hair and tugged, Cassian chuckling as he moved up to kiss me properly.

“You have to be quiet,” he said with a smirk, bringing a hand between my legs.

“_Cassian_.”

“Do you know what it feels like to come home and your scent-” He grazed his teeth against my neck and groaned when I reached down between us to stroke him. “Nes…”

“_You_ have to be quiet.”

He chuckled.

“Do your worst, Archeron,” he said and kissed me.

*

It was awkwardly silent at breakfast, until of course, Emerie opened her mouth. 

“You two are terrible at being quiet,” Emerie said. “But at least I know what book I’m borrowing from you.”

I couldn’t keep myself from laughing.


End file.
